Helping Children Deal with Death

For children, learning about death is one of the hardest and heartbreaking lessons they face. When their world is still full of wonder and laughter, a death of a loved one is a shattering blow. We want to protect them from this heartache and alleviate their fears, but it is really best to let them understand and let them learn to grieve.

Try to avoid softening the blow with lies. Telling your child that their loved one went to sleep and is never waking up will only make going to bed at night that much harder.

When they are sad, we try to make our children feel better, sometimes by buying them gifts or taking them to fun places. Lavishing gifts upon a grieving child won't make them forget or ease their pain. It will only serve to confuse them and teach them to try deny their feelings. This isn't healthy for adults or children. You want your child to be able to express themselves, even when they are sad.

Be honest with your child, but not brutal. Explain to them that their loved ones body doesn't work anymore and what happens to the soul after death according to your faith. It will hurt them, but they should understand that the body is just a shell or covering for the spirit, like a suit of clothes, so we are not really burying or cremating their loved one, only the shell.

Let them learn to mourn. It is our hardest lesson, but one of the most important ones. A child needs to learn how understand and accept these feeling that they are experiencing. They may need advice, such as: "it's okay to cry if you want to." Basically, once they understand that their feelings are normal and acceptable, they will feel more comfortable with them.

Give them creative outlets. Have lots of paper and crayons around or play dough. Keep some writing paper and utensils around. This is a good way for kids to express their anger, sadness and love.

The decision to allow a child to attend a funeral is tough one to make. For open casket services, younger children may be scared by the body or not understand why their loved one is in the casket. Often the child may cause such an uproar over this that it is disturbing and distressing to other mourners. It is best to keep younger ones away from these kinds of services.

Depending on your child's personality and maturity, children around nine years old and older are able to accept the surroundings of an open casket service, but be sure to explain to the child ahead of time what they will be seeing and give them a choice not to attend. Services for a closed casket or cremation are easier for a child to handle.

Children have as much right and need to grieve as adults and should be allowed to do so in their own way. Our job is not to protect them from grief, but help them learn to accept it.