Helping Dads Cope with Miscarriage and Stillborn Babies

When we hear that someone has had a miscarriage or lost a stillborn infant in pregnancy, we naturally think of the mother and her grief. But what about dad? Sometimes, it's easy to forget that he's lost a child, too. Here are ways to help fathers who have lost children.

Respect his need to grieve. Some cultures are not comfortable with the idea of a man crying or expressing bereavement. Men do not feel things as deeply, or should not show emotion, we're taught. Men are hardest on themselves and each other in this attitude. Few men have trouble feeling or understanding sorrow. Most men have the potential to be very empathetic. The loss of a child is poignant and painful. It goes deep into the core of our existence. Sometimes it makes us question our faith and purpose. Men need to feel comfortable letting all that angst out.

Understand his reticence to demonstrate grief. The surface explanation is that men don't grieve because they are afraid to be thought unmanly. There's more to it, however. The reason that most men don't show sadness is that they are afraid that it will upset those they love. They have a chivalrous, but mistaken notion that they must "be strong for others", especially their wives in loss of a child.

Respect his difficulty expressing grief. Because women tend to cry more easily, we think assume that they are feeling loss more keenly. Just as we need to respect a man's need to grieve openly, we need to equally respect what may look like lack of emotion. For some men, it is essential that they not appear upset. This is not because they don't feel it; this is a conditioned response. It may also be a natural diffidence. Either way, it does not indicate that a father does not grieve the child lost in miscarriage.

Never assume that lack of expression means lack of feeling. One of the most hurtful things that a man can experience is to be thought callous if he doesn't openly cry. I have actually heard women question men about their lack of apparent emotion. "Don't you feel anything?" "Doesn't this upset you?" "Why are you so cold?" I've seen the look of agony in the poor man's face. I've had to bite my tongue to avoid shouting, "how dare you judge him? Can't you see he's miserable?". Questions like that do not show a hurtful selfishness, not a depth of emotion. Sometimes it's a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease.

Offer your support. Whether you are a man or a woman, be sure to reach out to your men friends in time of need. Tell them that you are willing to listen if they need to talk, cry or shout. Be that non-judgmental supportive shoulder to lean on.

John Donne said, "No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls ; it tolls for thee." We were put on this earth to help each other. Sometimes that listening ear and hand of friendship makes the difference in grief, between hope and despair.