Helping Your Daughter to Be Brave

Our family is comprised of three older boys and two younger sisters. As they grew up, the boys were fearless, guilty of almost killing each other at times in their rivalrous attempts to prove that they could do anything better than their brother. Climbing mountains, scaling dangerous peaks, rafting down rivers, jumping from rooftops to rooftops, the things they tried that I was aware of was enough to give most mothers heart attacks. The stories they shared as adults, about the childhood and teen adventures, I am glad I didn't know were happening at the time! Believe me, with three teen boys, ignorance can be bliss in this area! Their younger sister, was determined to follow in their steps and she did. Fearlessly where they led, she followed, whether they wanted her to or not. If they could spend four hours hiking to a dangerous waterfall, she could walk five to a higher one! Fortunately for all of us, no broken bones ever occurred and they moved onto college and adulthood unscathed by their teenage dare devil actions.

Their baby sister, however, did not inherit their dare devil gene. I sometimes think that is because she was so much younger than them and that she heard my constant lamentations of concern and worry over their latest crazy adventures. From the beginning of toddler hood, she had to be coaxed to try new things, whether it was climbing into the playscape adventureland at our local fast food place, to jumping into the deep end of the pool. She would eventually give most things a timid effort, but not without urging and lots of motherly reassurance. As she grew and entered school, the same pattern continued. She was never first in line to try the curly slide. She declined ice skating after one fall, she became fearful of elevators and being caught in one.

Gradually I began to realize that she was indeed headed for a fearful neurotic existence and it shocked me. It shocked all of us! How could a family of such adventurers have a scaredy cat in our midst? It was both perplexing and worrisome. The boys advice from their lofty peaks of knowing it all, make her do it. Her sister's way was to heap scornful humour on her and just call her a crybaby to her face. My way was to talk, talk, talk, trying to help her figure out how to get over what was fast becoming a debilitating problem, one that was going to prevent her from so many great experiences in her life. Her fear appeared to be directly involved with safety issues, anything that could potentially physically harm her in any way was to be avoided. I don't know if she had picked up and modeled my concern for the boys, but it became clear we had to take action.

At around age 9, she became interested in our neighbor's horses. They were in the pasture and she would stop and watch them, but refused to even touch them. But I could see the fascination with them in her face. She had recently begun reading a series of young girl fantasy novels in which the heroine was a fearless horsewoman. And at this exact same time, her best friend began horse back riding lessons at a nearby stables and began to brag about all her adventures with her favorite horses there. She invited Emily to come with her to a lesson one day when Emily was visiting her.

Emily came home that night talking about all the horses and their names and how much her friend loved riding. I asked her if she was interested in taking lessons and she became very quiet. I watched her face as she considered the suggestion and then lowering her head and looking down, she shook her head quietly and said, "I can't." I asked her why and she said. "They're so big..and they toss their head and ...", her voice trailed off and I saw a tear forming in her eye. Going to her, I hugged her and I said, "Honey, let's fix this now." She looked up at me and I sat in a nearby dining chair, pulled her to me and softly stroking the hair from her face, I said, "You can do this, but you don't have to start tomorrow jumping horses across high rails. How about we come up with a plan that will get you on that horse by the beginning of summer?" She looked at me tentatively, "Do you think I can Mom." I nodded and smiled. "Yes, you can."

And so the work began. I talked with the stable owner and we started Emily just standing at the fence, watching lots of lessons. She would often be given a broom to sweep at stable floors, or clean saddles and oil tack. She became very comfortable and familiar with the stables. The owner was wonderful and could see her desire to overcome this very real fear. But neither one of us pushed Emily. We let her lead, with gentle encouragement to do a little bit more each time she was at the stables. The next step was to stand beside a horse and not touch it, just stand there. She became comfortable with this and then the next step was to reach out and touch it's nose. She had two horses she loved to watch and both were gentle and good beginning horses for her. Soon, she was brushing their manes and then their tails.

She became comfortable picking up their legs. I think this was a huge achievement. A horses leg is a powerful thing and I could see the courage growing in her when she could clean a horses hoof without flinching. The stables became her home away from home, but still the final test still waited for her. And we were all now, sure that she would be able to achieve her dream. Occasionally I would ask her if she was ready and she would shake her head, embarrassed but confident that I wasn't judging, just encouraging. "Not quite yet, but soon, Mom." she would say and then slip away, not wanting to talk too much about it.

One sunny afternoon, I dropped her off for her "lesson" and she skipped away into the barn. I watched her go and smiled at the change I had seen in her the past few weeks. She had become more confident in so many areas of her life. She spoke up when her sister teased her, she disagreed with her best friend and insisted on doing something her way for a change. She became a frequent flier on the curly slide at the playground, a major accomplishment in itself. I drove away to run errands and returned to the stable a couple of hours later.

Parking the car, I walked around to the stable practice arena and ducking inside the cool, musty interior, I looked up and there, on the brown and white pony she loved the most, was Emily. She had the reins in her hands, her teacher walking beside her and the smile on her face was a curious mixture of anxiety, fear, wonder and pride. She looked up as I came toward the fence and not letting go of the reins clutched in her hands, she smiled the biggest smile I'd ever seen on her face. . "Look at me, Mom. Look at me." The words weren't spoken but the eyes said everything. I watched her being led over to the fence, where her teacher stopped and said, "So, look what Emily decided to do today." We smiled at each other and very calmly, I said. "I see. Well, look at you. I'll never get you home again, will I." Emily laughed and shook her head up and down, "Never!" Her teacher looked up at her and said, "Are you ready to go once around on your own." With trepidation but eagerness, Emily nodded shakily, "I think so." "Well, then off you go," said her teacher, handing her the other set of reins, and off she went, riding her way into growing up.

It was the turning point. While Emily never became quite the daredevil of her brothers and her sister, she increased her horseback riding and we saw the confidence continue to grow in so many other areas of her life. She had figured out something that many adults never do, you have to take small steps, but anything you want you can accomplish. And that just because you're afraid to try something, you should anyway. Because learning new things, trying new things can bring great rewards. Courage doesn't have to be foolishly fought for, but can be carefully gained by persistent effort, which is true for all good things in life. Chip away at those things that want to stop you and don't let fear prevent you from accomplishing your dreams. It's a lesson all mothers hope their children learn about living. I highly recommend horseback riding as a way for young children to gain confidence in their ability to do big things!