Helping the Homeless: "A Modest Proposal"

In a world filled with international turmoil, it is easy for us Americans to lose sight of problems happening directly in front of us. Therefore, in the spirit of Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal," I would like to steer the nation's discussion to the serious issue of homelessness in America.

To begin, it should be pointed out that there are many types of homeless individuals who find themselves in this difficult situation for a variety of reasons. here are several categories to consider:

The Very Unlucky (These are the few people who have come upon hard times, and their homelessness is absolutely not their fault, and if given the chance they will get back on their feet. There may be about 28 or 29 homeless people in this category.)

The Voluntary Homeless (Those whose permanent address is the world, god bless those wise, wandering drunks of the nation!)

The Lazy (Those who dont want to be homeless, but they are just too lazy to do anything about it. Theyd rather live in a cardboard box than earn a decent living.)

The Crazy (These are individuals who are mentally unbalanced and suffer from neurotic disorders such as schizophrenia, paranoia, and liberalism.)

Since the first two categories are self-explanatory, let's tackle the latter two. Musical artist Pink has a song that criticizes my job performance; she believes that I don't care about the poor people who sleep in a cardboard shanty town.

The truth is, I do care... I care about how they are drain the tax payers dollars sponging off of the system as much as possible. I care about the decreased market value their cardboard shanty town has inflicted upon the surrounding businesses. And I care about the millions in church donations that are wasted on missions to feed these lazy people, when the money of those noble church groups could be better spent on other projects. (For example, the Catholic church has a lot of law suits these days; surely the money should go to that cause instead of a soup kitchen!)

But I also care about that lazy, drug-sniffing, good-for-nothing drunk who lives on the street. (Hey, I can relate! Sounds like my glory days). However, all of the good will in the world will not convince this type of transient to become a productive member of society. There are plenty of jobs out there (or at least there were until 14 million immigrants sneaked over-- I really should do something about that leaky border). If those loafing hobos would just show some initiative, they could get back on their feet. But they'd rather panhandle than put in an honest day's work. So, what do we need to do?

We must force them to become a productive member of society.

How do we do this? I propose we develop different jobs which these lazy, unskilled workers would be able to do, whether they want to or not. Once they are forced into an honest day's work, I believe they will see the light, and ultimately become a better person. What jobs you ask?

Well, I have one idea. You know those poor schmucks who stand on the sidewalk waving a big sign around for new apartments or whatever? Well, any bum could do that job. However, a lazy bum might just ditch the sign and go dumpster diving for brunch. To prevent this, we will super-glue the palms of their hands; then place the signs in their grasp. Ta-da, guaranteed loyal workers! At the end of the ten hour day, they get a paycheck and some solvent.

And that is simply one potential career. Certainly there are others that could be generated to help our nation's drifters.

Okay, let's talk a bit about those CRAZY homeless people. This problem is easily solved. For the most part, Crazy homeless people are so nuts, they don't even realize they are homeless. They probably imagine they are living in a wondrous fantasy world, and I for one don't think we should spoil that illusion. Why not let them dream their impossible dream? Let they Don Quixote's of the world have their dragons made of windmills, that's what I say!

Nevertheless, there is a significant problem. The general public does not like having crazy, dirty, smelly people galavanting around the neighborhood. So, how can we make these transient weirdoes more socially desirable?

Well, I've noticed that lots of nutty homeless folks talk to themselves, thereby alienating everyone around them. To make these people fit in, I propose that we give them a phony cell-phone ear piece. Then, they'll just look and sound like any other loud-talking, self-important businessman ever to enter a Starbuck in the middle of a business deal. Compare these two lines of dialogue.

Person #1: Oh, I have to get that. Scooter told me to, oh yeah, Scooter and Mikey both said. Well, the tree has got to come done. And the termites, did you see them? As big as walnuts.

Person #2: I don't want to hear it. And don't you tell me what I can't do. This deal is going through tomorrow. My eyeballs are in the blender as we speak. Uh-huh, oh yeah, I'm in escrow.

Who's the crazy person and who is the businessman? Hard to tell isn't it?

Still, it should be noted, that some homeless people are disruptive, beyond just talking to themselves. What should we do with them? Well, during my college days, I took a sociology class in which I studied homeless folks. I just watched them from afar throughout the day. It was realy mind-blowing. very compelling to watch. And it made me realize something very profound...

We should make a Zoo filled with crazy homeless people. It will give them a home, and the general non-crazy public hours of fascinating and educational fun.

Are you with me?