Helping a Loved One Through Miscarriage

When it comes to miscarriage and infant loss, I am among the lucky few women who has experienced total support and exactly the right kind of help from the people around me. I have received cards and phone calls that I will treasure forever, and I have had all the help I needed for physical and emotional healing from these losses. I have not (yet) been subjected to disturbing, hurtful, or idiotic comments. I have not been abandoned by friends because they just didn't know what to say to me.

But as I said, I am among the lucky few.

Since my reluctant entrance into the community of women who have lost children, I have heard countless personal stories. It seems it is not enough to suffer the pain of losing a child, but women must also suffer the pain inflicted on them by people who just can't seem to think before they open their mouths.

So, if someone close to you has recently lost a child, either by miscarriage or in infancy, here are a few simple guidelines:

Don't say "It's OK". Because it's not.

Don't say "You were only 5 weeks along? At least you didn't lose a real baby."

Don't say "You can always try again."

Don't say "Look on the bright side, at least this proves you're capable of getting pregnant."

Don't avoid the person because you're uncomfortable with grief.

But....

Do say "I am so sorry." With a hug.

Do send a thoughtful card or small keepsake.

Do be a good listener and offer a shoulder to cry on.

Do validate the woman's grief and acknowledge that no matter how early the loss, that baby was real to her and her sense of loss is real too.

Do offer genuine and sincere help. Bring a meal. Wash the dishes. Run errands for her. Make her a cup of tea and encourage her to rest.

You may notice that most of the Don'ts involve things people say while the Dos focus on tangible acts of caring. It is easy to spout something off the top of your head and then go on with your day, never knowing how deeply you may have hurt an already hurting woman. Instead of immortalizing yourself as an insensitive boor in a grieving woman's mind, take the time to think before you speak. Better yet, take the time to consider this woman's personality, your relationship to her, and the things you know she would appreciate, and show her by your actions that you care for her.