Helping Others to Accept Responsibility for Their Own Choices

When it comes to all of the problems that most people face each day, it seems as though many people are always ready to point the finger at every one else except themselves. They have a hard time admitting or believing that their problems are a result of their own actions or inactions. To others around these people, it is obvious that they refuse to accept any responsibility for their problems, but to them, they are never at fault. So, how can we help these people realize that by blaming others they are only harming themselves when they accept no responsibility?

I believe that the keys to helping this type of person are to effectively eliminate any and all excuses that he or she can think of to justify why he or she is not at fault, point out that they made a choice to do or not to do something, and then refuse to allow them to blame others in your presence.

For example, let's say that a close friend receives an eviction notice from the landlord. The eviction notice states that they are behind in rent for a total of four months. Now, let's say that this close friend is married and the spouse was working and maintaining the bills, but was fired from his job five months ago. The friend has not had a job at all. Neither person has looked for a job at all, yet there are plenty of minimum wage jobs to choose from.

Now, to many of us, the problem is very clear. They should both be working, or at the very least, actively looking for work. That seems like the simplest solution. To them, it is everyone else's fault that things have turned out as they have. His boss had no reason to fire him because he explained why he was always late or leaving work early. She couldn't work because she would have to find a babysitter. He didn't look for a new job because nothing was paying as much as the job he lost. The landlord knows they are unemployed and said that he would work with them as much as he could. No one would take him out to fill out applications. He didn't want to stay home with the kids while she went to fill out applications. The list goes on and on.

To help these people realize that their own individual choices are to blame for the resulting eviction, someone close to them will have to sit them down and take away each and every excuse that they come up with that blames someone else. Effectively eliminating the excuses puts the blame back on the person. I like to repeatedly use the phrases, "you chose to...." Or "you chose not to...." These two phrases continually emphasize that the individual made a choice in the situation.

For example, let's say that she begins to blame him for losing his job and not paying the rent. Eliminate this excuse by saying something like, "You chose not look for work." Yes, he made the same choice, but this is not the time to allow her to share the blame. Chances are good that she will attempt to do just that. She will likely tell you that he wasn't looking for work either; once again placing the blame on him. To this, I would reply, "You chose to stay at home and depend on his income." One by one, with each and every excuse or attempt to blame someone else, you must show the person that the blame falls with them regardless of what anyone else chose to do. The person needs to be shown that the choices that they made affected the outcome or created the problem and had they made different choices, the outcome could have been more favorable.

Once you have effectively eliminated the excuses and pointed out the choices the individual has made, it is important to continue to hold them accountable for their choices whenever you are present. If you do not do this, they will continue to blame others and never take responsibility for their own choices.

For example, let's say that you are with the above mentioned friend at the park when another mutual friends walks up to join you. As conversations between friends tend to go, she asks how everything is going and the above mentioned friend begins her tale of eviction. When you notice her begin to place blame on her husband, it is up to you to speak up. You don't have to be mean or cruel, a simple statement such as, "You made your own choices." Will probably be enough to let her know where you stand. However, if she persists in blaming others, you may have to be a bit more forceful with your words. You may need to say something like, "you chose not to work and you chose not to look for a job when he lost his." Chances are, if you have to go that far, she will then just drop the subject all together or acknowledge that you are right.

Of course, it seems as though this type of person almost always continues to try to blame others when things go wrong, but is more than willing to take the credit when things go well. The way I handle this situation is to congratulate them on making a good choice, emphasizing that the person made the choice themselves.

For example, let's say that the above mentioned couple found a way to get help to pay their back due rent and stop the eviction all together. Of course, they had help paying the bill, and of course, the landlord still had to choose to allow them to stay in the house, but the bottom line is that they chose to go out and seek assistance and did not give up until they were able to find it. I would be sure to point out how the choice they made to seek assistance and then to keep at it until they were able to keep their home ended with a positive result. By pointing out the good choices that they made and the good outcome, it reinforces the fact that their own choices make the difference in their lives.

Overall, it does not matter what the result is, people should always be aware of the fact that it is their own individual choices that affect their lives. Teaching people to accept responsibility for their own choices regardless of the outcome can help them realize that they have the power to make a difference for themselves. By effectively eliminating any and all excuses that these people come up with to blame others for their problems, you are forcing them to take responsibility. You are sending the message that they are the ones who chose to do something or chose not to do something and you will not allow them to blame others while you are present. In the end, many of these people will realize that it is their choices, above and beyond anything else that affects their lives.