Helping Your Pregnant Teen

You're about to become a grandparent. You should be excited but you feel devastated and angry. Why? Because your daughter is in High School and a baby should be in her future, not before her graduation. Here is some help in maneuvering through your concern and confusion.

Yelling doesn't help

The deed has been done. Yelling won't take it away. Calm down. Cool heads will work wonders now. You love your daughter and you want to help. She's scared and needs you.

Listen without judgment

You need to know what happened. Was this a rape? Is the father an adult? Were drugs or alcohol involved? If so, is this a problem for her? Was it consensual sex? Don't ask a million questions but look for those answers. You want to know if the actual act was traumatic or not. If it was you should consider having her see a therapist to get over the assault. But most likely it was not and the actual pregnancy is the real issue.

Be empathic

Remember that even if you are angry and disappointed you still love her and want to help her through this. Don't make decisions for her. Right now just let her know she is safe at home and can count on you to go through this with her.

Take her to a doctor

You may be feeling embarrassed but make sure she goes to an OB-GYN as soon as she can. Any pregnant woman would do that and she need to make sure her health is alright and she is not in any medical need. In the hassle of trying to figure out what to do this is a step that is often forgotten. STD's and other illnesses can affect the baby. Even though you may not be sure as to how you will be proceeding with this pregnancy go to the doctor anyway.

What is her expectation?

Before you make any decisions ask her what she believes she would like to do. Does she want to keep the baby? Give it up for adoption? Have an abortion? Marry the father? Does she expect you to care for the baby? If you are lucky she will feel the same way that you do. But this is a very important decision and every option should be fully discussed. Her age is crucial here. Is she 13 or 18? This will greatly affect the issues to be considered. The younger she is the more responsibility you will have raising this child if she keeps it. Don't let her expectations of you go unspoken.

And the father is....

This is a tough decision to make. What involvement will the father have in making these decisions? Ask her how she feels about this. Does she see him in school? Does he even know? Do you want him to know? Do you want his family involved? The more people involved the more complicated it becomes. Never lose sight that the most important person is your daughter. Guide her through these decisions, don't dictate. She is the one who will be living with the results of these decisions for the rest of her life. She needs to take responsibility for them.

Discuss each option fully

A lot enters into the final decision on what to do. The family's values and ethic, religion, finances and general attitude about abortion all are factors. Here are some things to keep in mind when helping her to make the decision.
Placing a child up for adoption means you know for the rest of your life that you have a child somewhere and you have no idea how they are. You hope they have been placed in a happy home but you can never be sure. It's a concern that stays with you always.
Keeping the child and raising it means more financial stress on the family as well as the time and effort it takes to raise a child. Your daughter may lose educational opportunities which will affect her entire life. She will be expected to take on adult responsibility long before she is ready. Her personal growth and maturity will suffer considerably. A lonely girl thinks the baby will be someone who will love her and often has little insight into the actual amount of care a child needs.
An abortion may put an end to the problem but it is also something that your daughter will have to live with forever. There is no easy solution.

Now is not the time to be discussing birth control and pre-marital sex. The fetus is already created. That conversation should come after the birth is resolved. No one said being a parent was easy and this is one of the times you are put to the test. The love, kindness and support you give your daughter at this time will last throughout her life. She is the same little girl you loved yesterday. She just has a really big problem. And helping to solve really big problems is what a parent is for. This is a family experience that can bring you closer or pull you apart. Everyone makes mistakes. The pressure you child is under to be sexually active is tremendous. You will get through this. One step at a time.