Helping a Shy Child Personality

Children's personalities are amazing. I have two children, and they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. My son is naturally very outgoing. From the time he was very small, he would gladly allow anyone to hold him. Now that he is nearly 5 years old, we have to watch him very closely because he does not know a stranger. Recently, I had the opportunity to be in a large assembly hall with many people. I realized that my son was not beside me (it was in a large group of friends), and I looked around only to find him about 30 feet away talking with people who were complete strangers (to him). With a child like my son, there is no need to try and help him be outgoing. He does a great job all by himself.

My daughter, on the other hand, is naturally very reserved. In fact, for the longest time, she had no desire to have any interaction with other people, including most of our extended family. She was very clingy to her mother for the first 6 months of her life, not even wanting to stay with me for short periods of time. By the time she was 18 months old, she would not interact at all with other people. She would physically turn her head away from anyone trying to speak to her, and act as if they did not exist. It was obvious that she was going to need some help to be outgoing.

We were fortunate that our son took on the role of helping his little sister through her shyness. Because she adores her brother, she wanted to be with him, and mimic his every move. She slowly began to follow him as he would go about talking to people, shaking hands a church, and visiting with friends. Now, my daughter has opened up tremendously, and is nearly as outgoing as our son-at only 2 years old. Let me share with you some observations that I believe helped our daughter to come out of her shell.

1. She observed and mimicked her brother. Not everyone with a shy child has the opportunity to have an outgoing child in the home to help with this problem. However, it is a good idea to try and find another child that is more gregarious for your shy child to associate with. Often, even when a child is shy, they will be attracted to what they perceive to be the fun that other children are having. So, they will naturally gravitate toward these children, and their activities, soon forgetting their own shyness.

2. We had to be patient with her. You cannot force a child to be outgoing. You have to try to help her to be outgoing. That could take months or even years. If you try to rush the process, you will do nothing but drive your child further into her shell. I have seen parents try to force their child to be outgoing, and even punish them for not being as outgoing as they want them to be. This is not the solution. The child's demeanor will not be changed by some kind of punishment. In fact, that kind of action could drive the child even deeper into her shell.

3. We provided opportunities for her to be around people, and in crowds. We have always taken our children to church. For several months, being in these situations was mildly traumatic for our daughter. She would sit on her mother's lap, and try not to even look at any other people. However, over time, as people would speak to her, she eventually warmed up to them, and would begin to acknowledge them. Finally, she began to interact with them. Now, she has a good relationship with all the members of our congregation.

4. We did not allow people to violate her personal space. It is a great temptation for people to run up and grab or at least touch babies and small children. My daughter did not like that, and actually reacted very negatively to such attempts. As her parent, I would step in and keep people from touching her when she did not want it. Quite frankly, I would not want everyone running up and grabbing hold of me like they do most kids! Some children don't mind the extra attention, but for those who do, we as parents need to make sure that they are not tormented. Simply tell those that try to violate your child's space that she doesn't care for that kind of attention, but that they are welcome to speak to her. It may not be as fulfilling for the adult, but your child will certainly appreciate your intervention.

5. We let her work her way through it. When all of these elements were put into place, we still had to let our daughter work through her shyness. She had to develop naturally, and that could not be rushed. She had to decide for herself that she wanted to associate with other people, and that it was not so bad to interact. When she saw some benefit to those relationships (people reading to her, sharing food with her, giving her candy, etc...) she made great progress.

Some children will be very outgoing, others will be very shy. Some may be somewhere in between. But, we as parents need to learn to deal with our children, no matter what kind of personality that they have. We can help our children who are shy, but we must show patience, and help them to develop a more outgoing personality. That will take time and effort on our part. I believe if you will follow these suggestions, you too can help your child become more outgoing.