Helping Teenagers to Communicate

Teenagers are notorious for being bad communicators. They seem to change from chatty, friendly children into sullen, withdrawn adolescents. Many of them blame their parents for the breakdown in communication. With a little flexibility and understanding on both sides, it is possible to improve the situation and reopen channels of communication.

Encourage Teenagers to State Their Feelings

Ask the teenager to explain his thoughts and feelings and listen without blowing up or ridiculing him. Try and examine the situation from his point of view and show some understanding. If he feels he is able to share his frustrations and anger in a safe environment, he will be more inclined to do so.

State Expectations and Offer Choices

Decide whether the situation warrants firm boundaries or whether a choice can be given. Boundaries should be enforced if the young person has been involved in something illegal, dangerous or harmful to her health.

If the situation in question involves ongoing expense, offer a choice of extra yard work or looking for a part-time job. Whatever the decision, state the options clearly and talk them through with the young person.

Don't be Afraid of Saying Sorry

Teenagers often complain that their parents take the high road and never apologize or admit their mistakes. If a situation has been handled badly, don't be afraid to sit down with the young person and say sorry. He will respect a parent who admits to making mistakes and doing the wrong thing.

In some situations, the decision made by the parent will have been the correct one but the behavior accompanying it may have been inappropriate. In this case apologize for angry outbursts or similar but explain that the ruling remains in place.

Make Firm Decisions After the Discussion

Adolescents may balk at authority but they need limits and boundaries. Talk through decisions and stand firm where necessary. Don't resort to ranting and raving as the adolescent will switch off and not pay any attention. A reasonable discussion with an expression of concern and explanation will be far more beneficial in the long run.

Although teenagers will seldom admit it, they feel more secure when their parents have a firm set of beliefs and boundaries that they enforce.

Communication with teenagers is difficult at times but with perseverance and effort it can be improved greatly. Don't talk down to a young person and try and understand his point of view before making a final decision. Adolescence stretches over several years and it's worth trying to make the passage as smooth as possible.

Recommended reading: How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, Harper Collins, 2005, ISBN 978-0-06-074125-9