Her Mother's Daughter

It all started when my stepfather Michael was urging me to see my mother who is an AIDS patient. She lives with her husband Cody and they rent a room in a one-story bungalow. At the time, I wasn't happy about going out to see her because she was never there for me growing up, not even after my grandparents passed away a year apart from each other.

One day Michael met up with me for lunch at a local diner. He said, "You do know what your mother has, and she doesn't have much time left."

Looking down at my chocolate milkshake I replied, "Yes. I know."

"And it would mean the world to her if you would just go out and visit her."

"Yeah."

"Did I ever tell you about my brother and what happened to him after our mom died?"

I thought for a quick second as the waitress walked by and said, "No, I don't think you ever told me that."

"Well. He and our mom didn't get along and were close. Once she found out she had cancer, it was too late. My brother felt guilty when she died and he became mentally sick from that burden." After a long pause, he added, "I don't want that to happen to you."

I went to work that day with the story of Michael's brother lingering in the back of my head. It also brought me back to when I had a crush on this boy I liked in college. He was always reading or studying in the library, we'd exchange quick glances at each other and go along our merry way. I spoke to a friend about it and he told me a valuable bit of advice. He said 'You don't want to be 30 years old in an unhappy relationship and think back wondering if you had asked that one guy out, would it be any different?' I guess it goes back to that Cher song If I Could Turn Back Time because in reality, once that minute goes by, there is no turning back.

After a few weeks of putting together Michael's story and my friend's words of wisdom, I made my decision to get on that airplane and visit my mother once and for all. I figured anything that needed to be said after years of absence would clear the air of any brewing hostility. Besides, holding all that stress in is no good for the body!

Off I went to sunny California flying over America's terrain: the crop circles, farmland, rivers, canyons, and mountains galore. It was a breathtaking flight and I already knew that I was about to be in for a treat because once you see that Pacific Coast, it is very difficult to want to go back to muggy, grassy, gray New York!

Once Michael and I stepped off the flight, a bus picked us up and brought us to our rent-a-car. He called up my mother who was filled with excitement knowing that her daughter had finally landed. In fact, she was so excited she couldn't wait the next day! As NOT planned, she was to meet us at the nearby hotel that night.

Cruising down the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) at nighttime was like a child's first visit to F.A.O. Schwartz. To my left was the infinite Pacific Ocean and to my right were towering canyons and mountains. But in the background I could hear Michael disputing with my mother.

"What the hell is going on over there?" He disconnected the phone call and said, "I don't know what's up with your mom."

I asked, "What happened?"

"It's your mom! The two of them [Cody and my mom] are arguing and I'm in the middle of it! He [Cody] told me to have your mom stay over at the hotel. They're obviously not getting along."

That night Michael checked us into our hotel room and there was my mom with an ear-to-ear smile on her gleaming face to see her daughter she hasn't seen in years. I went over to hug her and her body was frail. She wore a wig because the anti-viral the doctor prescribed to her was making her hair fall out. On top of the anti-viral she was also taking epileptic medication. With a highly medicated body, she was both physically and mentally inept.

The whole night left me feeling awkward since it was very difficult for me to carry on a conversation with her. Her hands were shaky and her limbs were feeble. Michael and I figured she was nervous about the experience of seeing her matured daughter. I was at an age where I questioned her absence in my life and demanded answers since not many children have the opportunity to go one-on-one with their deadbeat parents.

We had a brief conversation involving the flight since I hadn't flown since I was just a little girl. Then, there was an awkward silence while Michael and I were unpacking. When Michael went back to the car, my mother was sitting at the edge of the bed staring into space. I sat down next to her and picked up the remote control. America's Funniest Home Videos was on and I looked at her and asked, "Do you watch this?"

She smiled at the TV and impulsively exclaimed, "I love this show!"

"I watch this, too. It makes me laugh." I kept the channel on because we both enjoyed the show and I couldn't think of anything else to talk about.

My mother and I slept in the same bed that night. Throughout the course of the night I felt her going through spasms from the vibration of the mattress. At that moment, I thought I've never seen my mom like this ever. I can't see myself getting used to this. I wish I were home. I wish I can get away and erase this memory of her. No one deserves to live like this.

The next morning I got up and made myself some cereal. Michael began to tell me how he didn't expect it to be this bad and he would get to the bottom of it. He saw how much medication she was on and attributed her mental and physical state to her meds. Through process of elimination, he told her to stop taking this one pill for her epilepsy because it was one she had just recently started taking.

As the day progressed, my mother was being her old self again which wasn't necessarily a GOOD thing. Let's just say she's a testy one, shall we? I also noticed that we had the most normal relationship a mother and daughter could ever have. We spoke like we'd spent every day with each other. Not only did we get along so well but we also mended our past. I helped my mother with her everyday tasks like picking out her clothes and getting her something to drink. She also did her share as well by telling me about when I was a baby and all the mistakes she's made in her life through drugs.

We even took pictures to capture our memories during that visit. I went with her to her doctor's appointments at the immunization clinic and got a better understanding of her state.

At the clinic, I introduced myself as my mother's daughter. After I shook the nurse's hand she said, "I can see the resemblance." I smiled at that comment and it made me feel so connected to my mother who was proud to show her daughter.

The visit lasted a week and being that I had graduated college, had no job back in New York and absolutely fell in love with California I decided to step up a bit and live in California. I called my father back home and told him the news.

"So, you're moving, huh?" He said.

"Yep. I'm in love and I can see myself living better here rather than in New York."

"I kinda figured you were gonna make that decision. I just knew it."

"How so?"

"Because the first time a person goes over there, they're wowed by the palm trees and the ocean. It's like a vacation. Just know what you're doing before you do it because it's a big move. It's not like you're moving down the block."

As he said that I rolled my eyes and answered, "I know, dad. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you."

"I love you, too, Nikki. Bye."

"Bye."

The next morning, which was my last morning before flying back to New York, we had a Denny's breakfast. As we said goodbye, my mom and Cody both said how they couldn't wait for me to come back and live the California life. I was so excited to know I was going to be a California girl in two months and rekindle that lost relationship with my mother.

As the two months went by, I spent my days looking for a job, car, credit card, etc. through the local newspapers and the internet. I also familiarized myself with the area I was moving into and I did quite well. I am now working full time as a receptionist, drive a car to and from work and have my own credit card. Since August, I am now even closer to my mother. Instead of writing a letter to her, I'm driving over to her house for a quick hello. I am happier than ever before and feel complete knowing that my mother and I won't carry a grudge to our graves.