Here's What You Say to Single Mothers

I am the single mother of two. I have a teenage boy whom I did birth from mine own loins, and I have a toddler girl, who is biologically my niece, and whom I love more than Fruit o' My Loins because she did not give me stretch marks or PPD. Also, she calls me "beyotch" 100% less than the teenage boy-- an endearing quality, truly.

I hate admitting that I am a single mother, because it unleashes a torrent of stereotypes-- stereotypes embedded deep in the subconscious. I won't address these individually. You're welcome. Then there's the consciously-thought stereotypes, one of which is this: single mothers are pitiable. Pitiful? What's the difference between the two words? I am too lazy to open another browser window to refer to dictionary.com. I think either word is appropriate in this context. I hope ASU doesn't take my English degree away. Either way, you, Non-Single Parent Person, are so, so glad you are not us. You tell us that all the time, though usually in slightly more tactful ways. That is why I, Jackie L., am here to tell you that single mothers are not the Oliver Twists of the parenting world. Don't cry for us, Argentina.

Do you know how we know that you pity us? Let's do a little roleplaying. I'll be the single mother:

Average Single Mother: I'm a single mother.

Average Citizen: (face contorts into expression of faux torment) Ohhhh, that must be so HARD.

(And just let me interject at this moment to show you the difference between that reaction, and the reaction single fathers get)

Average Single Father: I'm a single father.

Average Citizen: (face softens into one of dazed adoration) Wow, that is just AMAZING.

Average Single Father: Yeah, it's really hard, because I haven't had sex in a really, really long time, because I'm so busy taking care of my child.

Average Citizen: I'd LOVE to sleep with you! Here's my phone number, sweetie, you just call me anytime. And God bless you for what you're doing for that precious child.

In summary: if you're a single father, you're a hero and your child is a major chick magnet. If you're a single mother, you're (insert your favorite Les Misérables character here, because I've never seen nor read it, but I know it's full of pitiable/pitiful people), and you'll never have sex again. Or is that just me? Show of hands? Huh. Interesting. Just me.

What the Average Citizen fails to realize is that single parenting is not really all that freakin' hard. Of course, it has its challenges. The biggest one is Not Having That Back-up Person Around. We often work around this problem by having a "friend" or "relative" who can help out in a pinch. Contrary to popular belief, a person need not have supplied half of a child's genetic material to perform important parenting tasks like Make Sure Child Does Not Die. And if we can't get a babysitter in a pinch, we take off work- even if our heartless, childless, anal-retentive boss who never takes vacation or sick time gets really, really pissed. Whatev. She'll never find someone else willing to do this crap job for this crap pay-- I dare her to fire me. You. Us.

"But Jackie," you Average Citizens are saying (by the way, you Average Citizens are all married- congratulations! Sorry I didn't come to the wedding- I couldn't get a babysitter. Also, you're all women. Married women are the only ones who can contort their face in just the right expression of faux torment. Married men generally don't have opinions on single mothers unless they're really hot, and single men frequently find that we come with "too much baggage, dude." "Baggage" means "offspring." Then there are the pedophiles, who get completely different expressions on their face when they find out you're a single mother!), "there are so many benefits to having a partner! I can't imagine how one person could do everything! Plus, I think it's important that children are raised with both parents. Kids, especially boys, need a male role model."

Ug, I can't believe you said that! I swear, do you just blurt out any insensitive and ignorant thought that comes into your head? Well, let me just explain a few things, you smug twit. Get ready to be disillusioned.

"There are so many benefits to having a partner!"

No, there really aren't.

"I can't imagine how one person could do everything!"

Well, your imagination sucks. Here's what makes single motherhood so, so great: if you're the only adult around, you can do anything you want. You don't HAVE to do everything. You can eliminate the word "everything" from your vocabulary and replace it with the word "nothing." You can make huge messes. You can grow your leg hair. You can feed your children ice-cream sandwiches for dinner. You can spend the electric bill money on Little Debbie snacks cakes. You can bounce checks and wear sweats and walk around with greasy hair all the live long day. There is no one there to look disapprovingly at you as you do these things. And your kids will love you anyway, except the leg hair one and greasy hair thing. Your teenage son might comment on it a lot, but since he gave you stretch marks, his opinions matter little. Your toddler won't really care about all that, but she will want a second ice cream sandwich. And here's the best part: not only do you not have to deal with Mr. How Many Pairs Of Black Shoes Do You Really Need?, but he will send you a check every month, which you can then spend on black shoes. Yeah, you read that right: you don't have to do any partner-related tasks, and you get paid to eat ice cream sandwiches for dinner. I can't make the benefits of single motherhood any more clear that that, people.

"Plus, I think it's important that children are raised with both parents."

What you think is not important. Try to grasp that concept, you narcissist. You are as insignificant as a grain of sand on the infinitely stretching beach of time and space. Or a grain of salt. Or anything else plentiful that comes in very small sizes, that could be found on a beach (otherwise, you'll ruin my metaphor). I will supplement this information by volunteering that I was raised by a single mother, and look how great I turned out! Ooooh, owned! Need some aloe for that burn?

"Kids, especially boys, need a male role model."

No they don't.

In conclusion, single motherhood is vastly superior to parenting "old school style" (i.e., nuclear family). Not only are you inferior, but you are out of style. Single mothers are this season's must-have accessory. Having read this article which clearly and logically explains why you are wrong and I am right, I hope you now understand how to react to admissions of single motherhood. If you are still befuddled, and frankly, worried that single mothers will punch you in the face for saying the wrong thing, I will kindly supply you with a stock reply that will not offend the single mom in your life:

Average Single Mom: I'm a single mother.

Average Citizen: (look of fear washes over face) Oh, sweetie, I want you to have this cash. Here, I have $28.71, and these Tic-Tacs. And this Gap gift card, with a $12 balance on it. It's all I have on me. Just write your PayPal email address on this here, and I'll transfer you some more the second I get home. God bless you for what you're doing for that precious child.