Hey God. It's Gail . . . Again. I'm Sorry

This past Saturday, I awoke to the sound of birds outside of my window. I got out of bed, did my usual grooming, dressed for the track and headed out for my morning walk.

As I walked through Trinity Park in Fort Worth, pumping my 5 pound weights (with great determination to get rid of my turkey arms) I noticed the still of the water on one side of the bridge, as the ducks played on the other side; thrashing and rippling the silence of the stream. I heard the crashing of old equipment upon concrete; building a new and improved downtown Fort Worth. As I walked, I spoke, out loud, to God. It used to baffle me as a little girl when people would say, "I spoke with the Lord and He told me . . . ."

As far back as I can remember, I can recall talking to God and hearing absolute silence. As I walked on this day and talked guess what I heard? Silence.

I'm not sure if the human ear is even equipped to hear the voice of the Almighty. We have become such a watered down version of our original prototypes, I'm not sure if we can even hear His whisper. As I walked and continued to try to understand the issues in my life my thoughts kept turning to Job.

Over the weekend I read the entire book of Job. I didn't just breeze through passages, only finding quotes and anecdotes to give me the warm and fuzzies about my situation. After my walk, after meditation and prayer (for understanding) I sat with my dictionary, study bible and study tools from my time at Dallas Baptist University and read, from beginning to end, the entire book of Job.

I have always been intrigued with this guy. As a little girl I used to hear about the boils and blands. That portion really stood out to me. I know it seems superficial. But, I have a major issue with acne and have experienced a boil or two in my life time. The thought of having them over my entire body just really freaks me out. Not to mention how my heart went out to this man knowing he had these things on him from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet!!! Ouch!

Aside from that, having only heard Job's story as a child, I needed my adult ears to know and process his story. I've referenced Job over the years whenever I was going through anything that seemed extreme or uncomfortable to me. I didn't realize just how similar my pleas were to Job's.

According to his story, Job ". . . was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed (shunned) evil." ^{(Job 1:1KJV)} Now keep in mind, I am not a biblical scholar. Heck, I think I got a B- in Old Testament at DBU. But as I continued to read I realized God offered up his perfect and upright servant to Satan to torment. ". . . Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?"^{(Job 1:8 KJV)}

Prior to my complete reading of Job, this passage was just weird to me. Why would God just offer up his "perfect and upright" servant to Satan? Why would He take the best of His lot and put him in this position?

This time around I did not question any passages. I just read and took notes of the entire scene. I was told years ago that there are three sides to a story; yours, theirs and the truth. In only knowing sayings from Job I wanted to know the full story. That meant reading, studying and processing the information to the best of my human ability.

Again, by not being a biblical scholar my knowledge of why God allowed Satan to vex Job will remain a question until I can do more research. What I found most intriguing about Job's plight, and how it paralleled with mine was that too often, us mere mortals, think our situation is unique. Well, it's not. Mine isn't.

Like Job, I too constantly insist that I can't think of a reason as to why God would vex my spirit on such and outrageous level. Yes, I blamed God for putting me in a position to have to go through this.

I too have found myself tooting my own horn of excellence -- I volunteer . . . give to the needy . . .give blood . . . I'm a bone marrow donor . . . am a great role model . . . do not complain during adversity . . . I don't smoke . . . .

Like job I also had/have people around me saying, "You did something. Nobody goes through stuff like this unless they bring it on themselves." And like Job, in the end, it is childlike understanding that brings it all together.

When I realized the contrast between my own self righteousness, self promotion and lack of responsibility, while trying to find fault around (as opposed to in) me is when I really started paying attention to Job's issues and mine.

I, like Job, have done some really good things in life. But nothing so special that would absolve me from hardship. Many nights while watching the news, I see people in well-to-do neighborhoods talking about tragedies (home invasions, a child's death, meth lab explosion . . .) and there will always be that one person who will inevitably say, "We just didn't think it would happen in a neighborhood like this." Well why not?! No one talks with their neighbors anymore. Families are so torn; most people won't realize a relative is in trouble until they see it on the front page of the news.

Job's wife asked him to curse God. Job's friends had numerous questions for him in an effort to get him to see what he had done wrong to have to go through such tragedy. These people, who had known him most of his life, continually insisted he had to have done something to get himself in that position. Not realizing it could have easily been them.

In trying to gain a better understanding of my part in my plight I had to weigh the entire book of Job against my life. I wanted to see what part I was playing in my demise and how to rectify what I can in order to get back on track to being the beacon of hope I would like to be.

In the beginning of Job's trial he was offered up. I had to accept that (from what I read) God puts some really interesting obstacles in front of his most favored, talented and gifted children. I'm not sure if I'm on the "favored" list. But I have had a fair amount of really bizarre happenings in my life. Therefore, I will give thanks for the thought of possibly being that special. Also, I must continue to remind myself that if I don't pay attention to my affairs I may be condemned to continue living in discomfort.

As Job's trial went on he got lots of input from well-meaning people. It wasn't until Job forgave his friends that God lifted his burden and increased his wealth.

I had to forgive those around me for meaning well, but who, on many occasions, were the problem. I find that when things are not going well, voices from Christmas past will amplify (you're fat, you're stupid, you're lazy, you're going to die alone, **why you always broke, what's wrong with you . . .) It's those voices that make the most common, easily resolved issue seem like a world caving in.

Example: When I got out of the military and began the struggle of starting life as a civilian I had "well meaning" people in my life; much like Job's friends Eliphaz (the Temanite), Bildad (the Shuhite), and Zophar (the Naamathite). People who stood by me questioning why I got out, "You know you didn't have no job or place to stay. You should have stayed in and got those good benefits."

Like Job, I cannot recall once anyone sitting down and asking, "What was it really like?" "What did you go through while you were in?" No one listened when I talked about sexual harassment so nerve racking that I actually attempted to blow my supervisor's head off. No one heard me when I told them in the process of trying to promote into another position within the military I was denied the transfer, but was then asked to train and help someone else put their package together for that same position which I was told was no longer available (to me). Heck, when I got back from Desert Storm and went to visit relatives I was not always greeted with hugs and cheers normally given to our American hero's. I literally was approached by more than one relative who, in place of "Welcome Home!", said, "Damn, you got fat!"

One relative left me at the airport because my flight was in a holding pattern and they didn't want to incur the cost for parking. This person said, "You knew if you were not out there when I arrived I would not wait. I don't play."

Job's family and friends knew him before his issue and accused him through his pain. They questioned his motives and never offered a solution. They were all too happy to repeat his downfall to him, but no one stopped to ask him how he was really feeling as he was going through it. No one offered any type of solution, encouragement or resource for a potential solution.

Now, if you read my first plea to God you know my lights were turned off. 6 days later, I am now back up and running. Along with reading Job's story this past weekend, I threw away $60 worth of groceries. $60 worth of groceries I had to save for to purchase. No refrigeration = Salmonella.

As sad as that sounds, I sit here laughing. Not because all of my food spoiled or because I'm so poor I have to save for groceries. But because I had my mouth set for some chicken wings and I had 4 pounds of the most succulent wings in my freezer. I drove all the way across town to a small, obscure Asian market to get those wings! But I digress . . .

I did reach out to a family member the day the lights went out. I didn't want anyone worrying because I have digital phones and knew no one would be able to call in. The relative I reached out to knows my pain all too well. He too is dealing with unemployment and has been on disability for a few years due to a car accident. I did not ask him for money and I let him know that I just wanted everyone to circulate my résumé and to know that (in spite of it all) I was doing fine. He sent out emails to other family members to rally the troops and get me some help.

I got emails from a few friends and family members telling me I could come and live with them if it got much worst. I was also admonished by a few who asked, "Why did you wait so long to get help?!"

Like Job's loved ones, mine were not seeing the big picture. My situation (unlike Job's) didn't happen last Monday or overnight. I lost a very good paying job in 2002. I got full-time employment in 2005. I stressed my finances, my family and myself trying to save a house. I have always been very vocal and have asked for help every step of the way. And with every step (like Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar) I have had a crew of people telling me what I'm doing wrong; with no solution.

I repeatedly asked for assistance. I still feel like crap knowing how much money I owe to family members. I did not want another loan to heap on top of a loan. But I did swallow my pride and allowed my brother and a cousin to pay two bills for me. I love them to pieces for it. But the fact remains that I am still sitting on an advanced degree and multitude of skills, which are going to waste on a job that doesn't even require a GED. My financial situation can be changed with the correct career opportunity and I do not feel like my family should be the ones supplementing my income.

"You can come and live with me" is a wonderful offer. But if you have never had to have a portion of something someone else owns you have no idea how that deflates the spirit. Plus, this is not a solution.

I have been on the move since I was in-vitro. My parents sought out better homes, better schools, and better lives my entire youth. I lived in numerous apartment complexes, the projects and with various relatives during my youth. That translates to 3 high schools, always being the new kid on the block and never feeling wanted or attached to anything because a move would be inevitable. Suggesting something temporary for a lifelong change is appreciated, but not a solution.

"Girl, can't you get state aid?" was another suggestion.

I do not have children, a drug addiction and I am not running from an abuser. By being single, having a degree and being in my right mind, I do not qualify for any aid, anywhere.

"What about the churches in your area?"

Weeks into my unemployment I applied for jobs with some area churches surrounding Dallas and Fort Worth. I even went to them when family couldn't help. Again, no major life issues, no help.

At my lowest point, in the spring of 2005, I made an appointment for counseling with one of the mega-churches in the area where I had been a member. I was told there would be a $25 donation. Yeah, I thought a donation was voluntary too. When I explained to the lady who would be doing the counseling what I was going through, the length of time I had been without a job, and the level of sadness I had finally reached, she said, "Well, do you have anything to donate?!" I gave her my last $3 and sat in a room with her explaining (again) my issue, watching her check her cell phone (for what had to be a really important message because she never stopped checking it) and then listening to her tell me, "Just give it all to the Lord and don't worry about it." Oh, then she prayed really hard for me and said, "You need to sit still while the Lord works." Suggestions. That was a really good one. But, a suggestion.

Continuing along with Job, I had to come to the realization that I did play a major role in my own demise. Like Job, the first thing I did once I had this epiphany was to apologize (profusely) to the Creator for being such a whinny baby. Apologizing for continually questioning the Creator is what Job did, and I understood why.

Here I am on this earth enjoying all of its majesty and yet I piss away my days questioning God as to why I have to go through all of this. I had to realize, how wonderful, I would be favored in such a way that God knew I wouldn't forsake Him. I'm glad He trusted me enough not to faint, flail or freak out during this time. Not that I haven't; just not this go around. There are so many other women who have been in my situation who have made some choices that have heaped conflict, upon detriment, upon horror to their lives.

Oh, I had a few people say, "Girl, I won't be mad at you if you find a few men to pay those bills." THAT IS SATAN!

I know I would not be able to handle the psychological stress of having strange men pay me for sex. Or, in the spirit of the movie Monster (starring Charlize Theron), find a way to hide all of those bodies! Not to mention **ain't nobody trying to pay to see my 42 year old chi-chi's and gelatinous thighs.

I have worked one full-time job and three part-times (simultaneously) in an effort to have the extra's I need. I am not about to do more than work multiple jobs in order to get what I need to survive. I would prefer a solid career, with one salary that would supply my needs. But, until it is revealed to me, where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing, I'll work my full-time and a part-time jobs.

How dare I actually have a verbal challenge for a God who has kept me in my right mind, given me good health and gifted me with insurmountable talents. I am not without hope, joy or peace; yet I cry?!

I have over the years attempted to find a church home. I am continually being told I need one in order to be in God's good grace. One of the reasons I felt comfortable literally yelling at the Creator of HEAVEN and EARTH was because I sat through a church service where the minister instructed the congregation to "Get in God's face and let Him know you want your blessings." No, I no longer worship there. Actually, a few months after the "Get in His face . . ." service, a visiting pastor spoke of the detriment to making demands on God. Suggestions. If there is no solution or foundation to the statement, it's a suggestion.

Like Job I had to realize I was not appreciating all of the wonderment God has put in my life . But now that my eyes are open I must realize that it is not too late to pull it all together.

In the end, before Job was released from his torment, a young man by the name of Elihu had been standing by watching Job and the interaction he had with his friends. This young man had been afraid to speak because he thought his age would present him as disrespectful to the older men.

I recall one of my nieces, no older than twelve at the time, telling me I had too many friends with too many problems around me. I dismissed her solely because of her age. Those friends in question went away around the same time I lost my high paying job.

Elihu was abrupt with his observation. He admonished Job's friends for asking so many questions and offering no solutions.

How many times have you been in situations where everyone had a suggestion but no solution? Not even a resource where you could find a solution. It was almost as if they just wanted to hear themselves talk.

Before Job was released from his torment he had to pray for and forgive his friends. I realize over the years I have resented people for seemingly abandoning me during my time of need. Friends who once where so close we attended family events together. Friends who sat in my home and broke bread with me. Friends who, for whatever reason, were at ease during my time of crisis; always there with a suggestion.

I not only have to forgive (pray for) them, but myself as well. Who could or should be the best friend in your life other than the person who will be with you until the day you die; you! I did not make myself friendly to my primary resource, me. I should have encouraged me more. I should have sought out more resources. I should have presented me in the best light in order to be taken more seriously. Because when it ends, God will take care of your enemies and those who vex you. He told Job's friend's, "my wrath is kindled against thee." You should not be your own worst enemy!

Steer clear of anyone who talks incessantly about you and other people. They very well could be the problem.

I was once friends with someone who got a thrill out of putting me in a bad light. This person went as far is to tell some people I introduced her to when she moved to the town where I was living, "Don't trust Gail. She's not as sweet and innocent as she seems."

"WOW!" I thought. I was so outraged that I didn't even address it to this person. Like many of us, I blew it off. All the while festering my desire to leap down this person's throat.

When this friendship ended I realized I had allowed a very insecure person into my life. Someone who was very comfortable in midst of chaos and dedicated to being see as "sweet and innocent" and in order for that to be true everyone around her had to be in a bad light. Had I known this person was running from her reputation I would have never opened my home to her. This person also went as far as to tell various new people I was her "best friend". This, of course, validated every lie and story she told to put herself in a good light.

We never hear about what Job's friends had going on in their lives. The suggestions they continually gave him could very well had been advice they needed for themselves, but were too insecure to take a leap of faith to try and figure it out.

In concluding my time with getting to know Job I realized a few things. I've broken my revelations down into phases of Jobs trials. Hopefully you can glean from this list.

Of course they are just suggestions. But, if you seek truth you will find wisdom and gain peace and there a solution may be.

Phase One - Being Offered Up

- If you're good at anything your talents will be challenged. YOU could be one of tomorrow's leaders. Be thankful and continue to hone your skills.

- If you don't want to deal with obstacles NEVER leave home.

- If you don't think it should happen to you, I hope you do not have a mother, father, friends, close co-workers or children. Because anyone who is not you is someone else and all of those people qualify as someone else.

- Marriage vows are just suggestions until tragedy strikes.

- If your friends do not have anything better to do than to talk about you and your short falls, get some real friends!

- If all of the people around you are only good for suggestions, consider relocation!

- Do not hang around people who have taken as their mantra "I don't care".

Phase Two - - Humble Yourself Like A Child

- If a twelve year old can see the issues of a 40 year old, pay close attention. Elihu said more than once he was speaking on God's behave (out of the mouths of babes).

- If your 40 year old friends act like they're 12 (daily) get new friends.

- If you are the smartest person in your group, upgrade.

- If you are ambitious and your friends are not, don't be afraid to go after your dreams while they wait. Those people will be in the exact same spot you leave them in. Plan to visit. Never stay.

Phase Three - - Learn from your (and others) mistakes

- Never yell or demand anyone (ESPECIALLY God) understand or fix your issues unless you can articulate what role you need them to play. Your issues are yours. Figure them out and find a solution.

- If it hasn't worked in 2000 years, odds are it won't work at all, so stop (over indulging, lying, cheating, stealing, pimping, whoring . . .)

- If you can't pay for it with cash you don't need it right now.

- The grass maybe greener on the other side of the fence but I bet they don't have much quality, family time trying to keep it that way.

- If you don't like what you're doing, stop doing it (dead-end career, dead-end relationship, pleasing **mama nem)!

- If you enjoy it, go back to school and get better at it then teach it to someone else.

Phase Four - - Give thanks!

- We are all one bad decision (yours or theirs) away from jail, the morgue or homelessness. Learn compassion.

- Flying debris can distort your looks. Learn grace.

- It's hard giving when you're down to your last. Learn humility.

- Love does not hurt. You are worthy of more. GET OUT and Seek peace.

Phase Five - - Forgive! Why?

- Because if it happened 5 minutes ago it's an old issue.

- Because parenting is a crap shot and, believe it or not, they really tried their best.

- Because none of us asked to be born and can't pick our parents.

- Because big brothers are trying to train you to be tough and he didn't mean to push you out of the window.

- Because big sisters have already done it and are looking out for your best interest.

- Because although he didn't love you doesn't mean you're not lovable.

- Because (trust me on this) it will stop hurting/mattering.

- Because you did it out of the goodness of your heart. They may have taken advantage, but that's a cross they will have to bear.

- Because you would want someone to forgive you.

- Because . . . .

**Ebonics :-)