Hey, Guys - There Are No Drinks on the House - so Stay Off the Roof!

The troubles started when an extended family member bought me a share of a local nightclub. I did not receive a salary, a stipend, or a uniform allowance. However, a lot of the regulars knew by way of word of mouth emanating from this extended family member that I was a minority partner in this nightlife business.

I began to develop friends of all manners and all sorts - people who wanted free coffee, free donuts, free admission, free everything. These individuals might have thought that I lived at the nightclub itself. My listed address at work, school, and on my driver's license was a post office box. I thought I had troubles, however, I dealt with these issues without having them over the house. Or, maybe, looking back, my personal problems had their own place to stay.

The nightclub eventually closed, perhaps due to a downturn in the economy, perhaps due to the increased interest in being homebodies by the average Jane or Joe, maybe because none of us minority partners ever attended the nightclub without being cajoled. Well, I had stupidly cracked a joke about "The Moron Who Climbed the Roof to Find Drinks on the House", and this was the condition that the nightclub was in by the time that it closed for business to the general public.

Eventually, I developed a nosy employer who wanted to know the family address, who stated that it was a requirement for my continuing to work for this temporary agency. I complied with their request, ignorantly enough. That is when the troubles started., we began to have bizarre noises coming from the rooftop. Perhaps we could explain that we were having test runs from Santa Claus and the Elves, the sleigh was being modernized.

Our official explanation for the commotion is this - we have raccoons in the attic. Ever have raccoons using cell phones living in your attic? We do. How can you be sure they pay the phone bill? We figure that the raccoons have somehow found the cell phones in the garbage. How do they sign up for the cell phones, or obtain photo identification, in order to get the cell phones? We have eliminated this consideration. We are not trying to be insulting to these members of other species living in the attic, by way of calling these creatures raccoons. We have no idea of how this all started, or what these creatures look like. I myself figure that these raccoons have a human trainer who teaches them how to use cell phones.

Having a sense of humor about the situation helps. I have been trying to be entrepreneurial about the situation, however, the idea of using the house as a location for a disaster movie, or selling still photos of the house as is to FEMA have not been ideas that have gone over well with the owner of the castle.

I know, you're probably thinking that I should cave in to my moronic impulses and start placing drinks on the roof. However, I would be in trouble, as we now have a hole in the roof large enough for a man to fall through. Thus, I need to somehow convince the homeowners to repair the roof, or convince the residents of the attic to move elsewhere - without creating a commotion. If anyone out there wants some roof ornaments, please, let me know.