Hey Kids, Here's the Truth About Christmas

-Santa Claus' helpers are mean spirited and like to make fun of kids who contact him asking for stuff. They'll make two sets of bikes for some kid named billy, and blow one of them up using plastic explosives. Billy will get that shiny new bike he asked for, but tires will probably be flat because some husky Elf named Brutus went on a beer run, and crashed into an igloo.

-Rodolph suffers from depression and often overeats as a result of it. Have you ever seen a pudgy reindeer soar through the air? Of course not, he can't get any lift with a pot belly. If you didn't get what you wanted last year, it's because the visibility was nonexistent, thus Claus had to skip your entire neighborhood.

-Santa cant read.

-All boys and girls in Philly are S.O.L. You will never get anything from the Jolly old fat dude. You only have bitter Eagles fans, and their actions in 1968 to blame.

-Claus doesn't use the Sled that often. He prefers the H1 Hummer. Blitzen likes to ride shotgun.

-Jesus never signed off on having a bearded guy in a red suit represent the spirit of Christmas. It's been an ongoing legal battle for many moons...

-Reindeer are nothing more than mutant Elk. There's nothing magical about them. Their fling ability is just a side effect from radiation.

-Residents of the North Pole are Beta Testers for all video game systems that came out after 1994. If you didn't get a Wii, it's because the elves were being stingy.

-Santa does not tour malls to talk to children. He's a germaphobe and gets queezy when he sees snot nosed young'uns. That lap you sat upon was most likely the lap of a stunt Claus.

-Gandma did NOT get run over by a reindeer. it's a conspiracy orchestrated by the Government to conceal the existence of Aliens. Some random old lady was flattened by a UFO, and the bearded dude, with obvious glandular problems, had to be the fall guy.