Hey Nerds, Buy My New Video Game

Hey, you! Yeah, you in the Legend of Zelda t-shirt. Are you tired of "pwning n00bs" in the same old videogames? Well, here's the answer to all your problems. (all your game-related problems, that is. I can't do anything about your social skills or Red Bull addiction).

For those that love the outdoors but hate dealing with nature (come on, you know that's you), the long wait is finally over. In the spirit of games such as Flyswatter 2000, Hammer That Nail, and Treadmill of Death, this Tuesday I am releasing Nature Walk. Featuring high-definition natural environments, the realistic simulator allows players to walk, run, hop, or even crawl through a vast assortment of wilderness landscapes.

My goal was to make the outdoor experience accessible to everyone. In today's society, many people just don't have the time, energy, or will power to haul their lazy cans off the couch and walk out the front door. And even if they did, what's waiting for them? Sure, it's pretty out there and the air is fresh, but what about the dangers? What about mosquitoes that steal our blood, or squirrels that may or may not be rabid? What about lions? Tigers? Or bears? My god, the bears!

Spanning three high-definition DVDs, Nature Walk affords players the opportunity to traverse beautifully-rendered woods, deserts, glaciers, rain forests, mountains, and the like. In addition, players can choose from a library of world-famous landscapes to traverse without ever leaving their recliners and/or toilets. Want to walk near Mount Rushmore? Go right ahead! Want to see what it's like to hike across the Swiss Alps, but hate fresh mountain air? Then pack your virtual suitcase and get walking digitally. I've employed the latest in high-definition programming technology, so anywhere you want to walk is just a click away. Nature has never been so convenient, and you preserve those precious, precious calories from your daily Big Mac injections.

Nature Walk also boasts a highly-detailed level of play, allowing gamers to simulate a real life experience like never before. You can't just walk out of your electronic door and start hiking; that would just be silly! No, just like previous hit games such as Lap Swimmer, Paddleboat Tycoon, and Lighthouse Command, you have to actually pretend you're a real human being with something to contribute to this world (other than flop sweat). You need to wear the right shoes, pack appropriate supplies like water and protein bars, and protect yourself with bug spray, snake bite kits, or even a shotgun to discourage mountain lions or rival walkers. Want to walk an entire glacier? Better pack a coat and some gloves! Any item you'll need is available for a small fee in my virtual online Adventure Depot. I know how you nerds love downloadable extras. Yeah, I'm in touch like that.

If you can muster the energy to reach the extra buttons on your keyboard, Nature Walk boasts an impressive array of unlockables and hidden bonuses. I wanted to simulate as much fun as possible, so I included some extras that are useful and some that are endearingly wacky. Swat a thousand mosquitoes and you earn free bug spray. Crawl across the entire Rocky Mountain range and you unlock Scranton, Pennsylvania, a fully exlorable town. It's completely useless, so you should feel right at home!

Chief among the game's key features is "Power Walk", an interactive level designer in which less slothful gamers can build their own natural environment to explore. It takes less energy than touching your toes, so some of you will be able to handle it. Personally, I like to put the wild animal ratio at a hundred percent and see how long it takes for a bobcat to eat me.

Although it has caused heated debate among naturalists and health care professionals, Nature Walk will become an overnight sensation because you suckers can't resist something new, even if it's as ridiculous as that bathing suit your mom likes to wear. The game will be available online only. Come on, it's not like you'd break a sweat to walk into an actual store. Just click "Buy", tubby, and start pretend-walking.