Hey Rookie! Welcome to the NFL

Let's get something straight right from the start. Being a Rookie in the NFL is about more than carrying the veteran's gear, being taped to a goal post, or even learning offensive and defensive playbooks. You also need to learn your legal defense schemes.

Before we get into your defense approach though, you need a short history lesson. In the last 7 + years, there have been numerous examples for you to see how it is done if you want to get away with your legal indiscretions. Since January 2000, there have been over 250 separate reported incidents involving NFL players and that doesn't even count the Bengals or "The PacMan". We sometimes jokingly call the NFL the National Felons League. It's pretty funny. There have been charges of DUI, Drug Possession, Sexual Assault, Aggravated Assault, and even Murder just to name a few. Less than 20 of these incidents resulted in jail time. Pretty Good huh!

So, listen up Rookie! If you get caught at something and the line "don't you know who I am?" doesn't work, here's what you do-offer to plead guilty or no contest, do some Community Service, pay a fine and/or donate some money. You'll be good to go in no time. Don't worry about the public's perception of you. You are not a role model. You get paid to be nasty, mean, and aggressive on the field. That's your job. You don't get paid to be a good example to kids off the field. The public can't really expect you to be nasty on the field and a pillar of the community off the field. Besides, you have to practice your new moves on someone. It might as well be against someone who doesn't have to suit up on Sunday. If you hurt some poor fan in public, you haven't lost anything. They don't play and you certainly won't have to pay.

If for some reason, you are actually worried about what your fans think of you, try crying during an interview, or my personal favorite-claim to be a born again Christian who is committed to changing your ways. It works every time with those saps-I mean fans.

Remember, we are entertainers. As long as we provide entertainment for the masses, we will be able to get away with almost anything. The almighty dollar always does the talking. Even if the Commissioner gets tough, the dollar will eventually win out. It always does. So Rookie, the lowdown is that the fans want us on that field. The fans need us on that field. As long as that is the case, you have nothing to worry about.

Welcome to the NFL!