Hey Y'all, Watch This!

The famous last words of every redneck right? At least, that's the joke. I used to hear that all the time when I lived over by Seattle. Bunch of stuck up snoots that are pretty sure they're better than the rest of us because we live near these things called, "trees". Sure, we're bumpkins, but we're not the only dumb-dumbs out there.

I recently had the good fortune to visit Yellowstone National Park. By the by, for you Texans I met, it's pronounced "Yellow". Not "Yeller" likes the color of your teetheses. Hyuk.

Anyway, the joke's just an ignorant stereotype because I saw some city slickers do some dumb shit there. Not that it doesn't still apply to rednecks. I have family that makes this joke work. Trust me; the people I know that died of old age were old farmhands when I met them. Pre-grizzled right out of the box. I've never seen a younger guy that wasn't squished by his own truck, mauled by a badger, or dared to drink anti-freeze. It sounds horrible to be so flippant about death, but I've kind of accepted it all as part of natural selection. Like the human variations of lemmings.

People that live in the city, don't get too damned smug however. All idiots die when they're out of their element. As cultured as you would like to act, some hick in a ranger suit probably saved your life at least once. You have to touch, everything. Why? Does the sight of uniformed streets and concrete weaken your eyes? When we say look, but don't touch you can reckon we're being straight with you.

When I was visiting Old Faithful, I overheard some guy telling his wife that it was bullshit that the government wouldn't allow them to stand closer to the geyser when it blew. After all, it's just like a hot shower and his taxes are paying for that water.

Let me see a show of hands; how many of you take showers that can cause third-degree burns and make yours ears run off the side of your head like hot sugar? Anybody? Now who thinks that he should be reported for attempted murder by telling his all-too-gullible wife this crap?

Dummy.

I also saw some moronic kid toss a coin into one of the paint pots. These boiling pots of water are very delicate and become ecologically imbalanced when somebody even thinks of them. For those of you that can imagine how beautiful they are, stop it. You're destroying a natural wonder.

Anyhoo, said dumb-kid is told this by overly-tolerant park ranger person. Dumb-kid thinks he'll just go swimming and fish it out.

Man I tell you, my lips were watering. I thought for the first time I was going to get to try boiled human for dinner. I mean, I've had it fried and barbecued, but they both really disguise the real flavor of the meat.

So, Mr. Ranger, I have a question: Why did you stop him? We were all eagerly awaiting the spectacle. And the smell. And the sound. The only thing that would have topped it is if you pushed his wheelchair-bound mother in after him. Maybe gotten a little air off the ramp leading up to it. That's something we, as rednecks, would've gotten a kick out of. Maybe top if off with some firecrackers.

Then of course, there's the classic. City folk that think all of the animals talk like Bambi. Well, Fluffers the elk sure as hell made a mess of this one guy's Escalade while he was communicating. It's September and for those of you that don't watch Animal Planet, it's mating season. The elk are all so horny they look like they're foaming sperm at the mouth. Why would you want to stand next to it for a picture when its eyes are bugging out? Maybe you should dangle from the power lines with the squirrels for a shot too.

He was really lucky. The elk didn't charge until after the guy got back in the car. I don't think people really appreciate how large these animals can get. This thing looked like a horse with horns. He took one of the door panels off and popped a tire before that flashy SUV screeched its tires, trying to get away. He got about fifty feet before he realized he wasn't going anywhere without changing that tire. Did he get out to change it?

Better question: Who cares? We drove off. Shit, nobody was about to call the rescue squad for him. I'm pretty sure they have better things to do, like shoot wolves, or fireproof the forest, or carve tombstones that say, "Hey y'all, watch this."

There were other incidents, but these were my favorites. Proof positive that dumb is dumb no matter where you live. Something unfamiliar will kill you just the same.

So, let me change the joke for all the country boys out there. I'm assuming you can read it since you got this far.

"What's the last thing the city boy said before he died?"

"Hey, come look at this shit."

Ha, I wrote a joke. Somebody pay me.