Hidden Scars of Emotional Abuse

In the world of emotional abuse, the statement "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!" is no longer true. It is easier for people to understand physical abuse because it is something that can be seen. The evidence is there right in front of them. But emotional abuse is just as real, just as common, just as debilitating, and sometimes harder to recover from.

Please don't take me wrong - I am not trying to make light of the physical type of abuse. Physical abuse is terrible and life-threatening. Some are lucky to escape and eventually heal. Some are not so lucky. Physical scars are always a reminder of their ordeal. Hopefully the victim can start a new life to make up for their pain. Unfortunately, for those who have been emotionally abused, the affects can remain with them for the rest of their lives. It is even harder to understand this type of abuse because no one can see the damage, therefore it cannot be real. If it goes on long enough, sometimes the next step is physical abuse.

Emotional abuse is basically when someone degrades their victim so much that they no longer have a sense of self. Sometimes it is very obvious, such as name calling and threats to do harm. The abuser will degrade them privately as well as publicly. Other times, it can be more subtle. Isolation, lack of affection, disapproval of everything the victim attempts to do. The abuser will still say degrading comments, but they are so subtle that a person is not quite sure if they are "abusive" or not. Lack of respect, or acknowledgment that the person is worthy of notice. The abuser likes to keep their victim walking on egg shells. This type of abuse can start so "quietly" that it is not even identifiable. Excuses are always made for the abuser - they're tired, stressed, etc. Sometimes the victim will blame themselves.

I could never understand how this type of abuse escalates. After reading a book called "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward, it became more clear. Without realizing it, the victim gives the abuser "permission". Instead of putting a halt to the first attempt of abuse, the victim makes excuses for the abuser, thereby giving them permission. Each time makes it easier for the abuser to continue, and harder for the victim to stop it.

Sometimes, the victim is primed from previous relationships, which makes it easier for them to hook up with an abuser. It is not always a good idea to want to marry someone like dear old dad or mom. If a daughter sees it happening to their mother, for instance, they take her lack of fighting back as "normal". They may become a victim themselves, as well. If it is the son observing this being done to their mother, they may possibly do the same to their mother. A man can become a victim as well.

If they are lucky enough to escape from their abuser, they can possibly heal. Unless they have other support, a victim may find it difficult to handle anything. Because their confidence has been destroyed so completely, they can make some very bad choices. They may give in, just to end things as soon as possible. They don't feel as if they deserve anything good in their life. If the escape is through the means of divorce, this can be very disastrous, and can affect the rest of their life, as well. They find it hard to believe that this person that they still love would treat them unfairly. If children are involved, the victim cannot completely sever the ties with the abuser. Until the children are of age, and if the abuser is involved equally in their lives, the abuse usually continues. This makes it harder for the victim to heal.

One would think that the court systems would help protect emotional abuse victims. I personally think that this is not done. The abuser somehow seems to come out smelling like a rose, and the victim, a nut case and liar. Sometimes the judges will give in just enough to the abuser's demands, thinking that they will back off. Unfortunately, this just encourages them.

One would hope that the abuser would realize what they are doing. Again, the "lack of evidence" makes it hard for this to happen. Their own mind helps them to forget certain things in order for them to cope. They sometimes don't even realize what they are doing. Therefore, it is a waste of time to expect any kind of apology from them.

Most times, the person being controlled has no real idea of what is going on until they are away from the situation. Once they have removed themselves from the abuse, the time it takes to heal depends on the length of time they are with this person. They have more damage to repair. It is important that they go to a mental health expert if possible. They may actually have "post-traumatic stress". A good support system is important. Avoiding serious relationships may be necessary for a while because it will be too easy to reattach to the same kind of person they just got away from. They need to be forgiving of themselves for their mistakes in judgment from both the past and future.

The important thing is that one can heal, but it takes time. If you compare this to a torn tendon, everyone knows that a break heals faster than a tear. So be patient with yourself or the person who is recovering from this type of abuse. Things will get better!