Hiding Your Crohn's Flares from Friends

True friends are hard to find. Most of us have many acquaintances, but they shouldn't be confused with real friends. And there are some who categorize friends as "work friends," "going out friends," "Internet friends" and so on. Are there categories of friends who should know that you have Crohn's disease and with whom you can discuss flares or relapses of the illness? Or would your friends be happier if you hide your Crohn's flares from them?

I moved back to my hometown about 10 years ago, when I had already been diagnosed with Crohn's. I had two close friends living here at the time. These two friends know that I have several other chronic illnesses, but until recently I hadn't told them that I had Crohn's disease. I was, and to a certain extent still am, embarrassed by the disease. In the relatively small town I live in, discussing bodily functions of any kind with anyone other than your doctor, or perhaps your spouse, is not considered good manners. The symptoms of Crohn's are all about bodily functions, and it's hard to hide flares - when the symptoms are at their worst - from anyone you see on a regular basis.

For a while, I hid my flares from my best friends, who now number three, by a couple of methods. I told them I was having a flare of my chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome (CFIDS), or of lupus. Most people don't know all the symptoms of those illnesses, so if I had to spend a lot of time in the bathroom, or told them I was too sick to go out at all, they understood. I told them I was tired, and I hid at home. I didn't have to explain that it was Crohn's disease that was flaring and causing the symptoms.

But I asked myself: Aside from the aspect of bodily functions, which surely a good friend would understand, why was I hiding the illness, not to mention the flares? One reason is that one of my friends has a degenerative illness, which seems to me to be much worse than Crohn's, and I hid the flares from her because I felt I had no reason to complain (or explain) when she was living with her flare. Another reason is that another friend is married to a man with hemophilia, a potentially fatal disease that he copes with much better than I do with any of my illnesses (none of which are classified as fatal), and again I felt I had no "right" to discuss my Crohn's flares. So I kept them hidden from her.

Part of being a friend is giving comfort and helping your friend whenever you can. By hiding my Crohn's flares, I felt that I was helping my friends by relieving them of the burden of my Crohn's disease and its flares. But another part of being a friend is allowing your friends to give you comfort and help you and to share your troubles with them. I realized that by hiding my Crohn's disease and my Crohn's flares from my friends, I wasn't being the best friend I could be. I was depriving them of the opportunity to help or comfort me, or simply listen to my frustrations. I don't want to spew pain and self-pity on them, but frustrations are very real, and letting them out to a sympathetic listener who cares about you rather than just to a health care provider whom you are paying can be an enormous comfort.

I also realized that in their own lives, they sometimes feel unable to help themselves or their loved ones. I understand that feeling of helplessness. By helping me deal with a Crohn's flare, even if it's something simple like bringing me a few groceries when I have a flare and I'm unable to leave the bathroom long enough to go to a store, they can restore some of their control over their own lives. It can be easier to help someone else than to help yourself, and there is a joy in giving as well as in receiving.

I don't tell everyone I meet that I have Crohn's disease; I don't even tell the people at the places I volunteer, because while I like them, they are more acquaintances than true friends. It might burden them, because they might feel they have to do something. My friends know they don't have to do anything for me, but they can help me in many small ways. By telling my friends the truth about my Crohn's disease and its flares, I have actually given them a gift rather than a burden.