High School and Family Graduation

My cousin graduated from high school today. My sister flew 1,500 miles to see her graduate. I live five miles away, and I was not invited. On just such occasions, the choices we make to preserve ourselves from harm feel just as harmful. The hurt of having almost no family can sting as much as the abuses they rain upon us and the cost of what they took away.

My cousin and I have never had problems with each other. It's her parents who can't stand the sight of me. Ever since my grandparents returned my sister and me to our abusive mother because we ate a pickle in the living room, my aunt has believed that I "abandoned my cousin." I was 11 when we were sent away.

For a year and a half, without much reprieve, our lives were fear, fight and famine. The abuse was severe, and unlike anything I could easily describe. In their drunken stupors, my step-monster beat my mother ruthlessly and my sister near as much. He only raped me and tried to make me watch the abuse of my sister. Not long after we arrived, I began to protect my sister and my mother physically. I was 11 the first time I realized that I could kill someone, my stepfather, if given the chance.

We were finally removed from her care and returned to our grandparents, just like they always knew we would.

Almost daily, my grandma called me worthless, evil, an alcoholic (I don't drink at all, never have), and began holding things against me that I said when I was five years old. My grandma, my aunt and my uncle told me how pissed off they were at my parents for screwing me up, and how angry and sociopathic I was. At the same time my grandma imposed rules I could not follow and standards so impossible, the stress grew beyond my capabilities to cope with. A person can only deal with life or death stress for so long before they break.

I knew what being returned to my mother would mean, and that I couldn't keep it up. I moved in with my abusive boyfriend when I was 14, and before I turned 15, I was bouncing around the foster care system. My sister followed about a year later and we were reunited.

My aunt continued to tell me how I abandoned my cousin. I didn't call enough. I never told her where I was or what I was doing. I didn't go to birthday parties or try to keep her in mind. When we were sent away, we were poor and didn't have long distance service. Most days we ran for our lives to anywhere that would put us up for the night and once I entered foster care, I had little control over whom or when I could call anyone. I had no control over visitation.

I tried to keep a relationship with them but every holiday, every encounter got harder and more toxic. Interacting with my non-alcoholic relatives was just as challenging as the late night drunken death threats and torment by my mother and her husband.

It wasn't enough that they insulted me, they began to insult my husband on the day they met him. They asked him where he was keeping his pipe bomb collection on numerous occasions. My aunt and uncle refused to come to my wedding. My cousin didn't come either but I understood why.

My sister didn't understand why it was so hard for me. Even as my sister tried to keep us all together, the day finally came when I didn't want to try anymore. I cut contact with everyone except my sister but I left the door open for my cousin.

I sent cards and tried to find her on MySpace but I couldn't. We only saw each other a couple of times in a few years. I didn't call her because it didn't seem like a fair to make her choose between being comfortable at home and talking to me.

So now she is old enough to make her own decisions, I hope she will come and see me. I want to know her, I want to see her and help her if I can. She wants to be a pastry chef and I want to be a guinea pig. I hope we can be cousins again. It's the first time in several years that I've hoped anything from my family. It's a dangerous leap for me but I hope her graduation is actually mine too.