Highlights from the Latest Federal Budget

The President recently sent a budget to Congress that has a record spending of approximately $2.5 trillion yet contains billions of dollars in program cuts. It also contains millions of pages. In really tiny print. Since most of us aren't about to pre-order this tome on Amazon.com, I talked a couple of my friends into looking over the budget book and making up some crib sheets for me. So as the battle of the budget begins, let us skim over some of the more notable points:

With many of the cuts centering on education educational programs are being adjusted and combined under one program which will collectively be named "Some Children Left Behind."

There will be less "spreading" of liberty and freedom and more "sprinkling."

A new Securities Exchange Commission task force will be created. They will be sent around the country to undercover malfeasance in the corporate sector. The task force will be made up of former Enron and WorldCom executives because "it takes a thief to catch a thief." The task force will be headed up by President Bush's brother, Neil.

Retirement programs are going to be reformed and then renamed "Social Near-security." People will get benefits; we're just not sure how much or when.

Support for the troops will be increased over 83%. Economists tell us they are able to do this because it doesn't cost a thing.

A program used to purchase plutonium from the former Soviet nations is being replaced with a "Toys for Nukes" program.

Several departments have avoided cuts; budgets for the military, Homeland Security and news columnist propaganda will be unaffected.

The nation's interstate highway system will be privatized. The White House notes that the federal government doesn't know anything about "paving roads and fixing potholes so let people who do know take care of it." Also, plans to connect the Hawaiian interstate highway system to the rest of the country are being abandoned.

Farm subsidies will be reduced and citizens will be encouraged to start "Freedom Gardens."

To offset budget cut backs, the Supreme Court will begin charging a cover and two-drink minimum when in session.

Money is being set aside for a program to develop new satellites that can detect non-Republicans from space and cut their benefits.

Money for torture programs and devices has been cut back, due mainly to outsourcing.

Money to some college loans programs will be reduced while, oddly, money to certain frat houses will be increased.

There will be a large reduction of subsidies to Amtrack, which, along with further deregulation of bankrupted airlines and rising gasoline prices, means people will pretty much have to stay home now. So stock up on popcorn and videos, people. Unless someone demands a recount of the budget.