Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign Posts Record Third Quarter Profits

Hillary (Rodham) Clinton is on a roll - a bank roll that is. The campaign to get Hillary (Rodham) Clinton back in the White House has surged ahead of Democratic hopeful, Barack Obama to post a war chest of $35 million compared with Obama's paltry $32 million, leaving Obama supporters scratching their heads.

"After a lackluster first quarter, Hillary (Rodham) Clinton sales picked up slightly over the traditional spring season, but our recent numbers have been staggering," said a campaign finance manager made up for this article. "Another $50 million and we should have the election in the bag."

On the other side of the coin, Barack Obama supporters are wondering what went wrong. "Profit margins on our $1000-dollar-a-plate dinners have dwindled due to the rising food costs," said a fictional Barack for President supporter. "We were simply too slow in raising our fundraiser menu prices."

"We quickly realized that our profit margins on fundraising dinners were down from $997.00 a plate to $995.00 a plate," said Seymour Cash, fictional Clinton campaign CFO, "So we made a move to diversify our product line, introducing thousand-dollar t-shirts, thousand-dollar campaign buttons, and other Hillary (Rodham) Clinton items in our soft product line with spectacular results."

"Speeches are another strong profit center. They're almost the perfect product - minimal manufacturing cost, almost pure profit," added Cash.

With only a three million dollar lead over Obama, the Hillary (Rodham) Clinton campaign is not resting on its laurels. "The problem we have now is not how to raise money - it's how do we spend it?" adds Cash. "With all the free publicity we get on talk shows like "The View" and network news, we're hard-pressed to find something to spend our money on."

Some in the Hillary (Rodham) Clinton Presidential campaign don't see Hillary's popularity with major news anchors and network talk show hosts as a problem. "It's important for America to have a presidential candidate that talk show hosts actually like," said a made-up source close to the campaign.

The Hillary (Rodham) Clinton campaign also expressed concern that the message may be getting lost in the money. "Our biggest worry right now is that with all the publicity over our financial situation, people may be overlooking our candidate's message," said Cash. "Right now, if you ask anybody, no one really knows what Hillary stands for. That's the problem with having this much money. It overshadows what this election is all about, and that is Hillary (Rodham) Clinton's message - whatever that may be."

Leading the financial race for the Republicans is Rudy Guiliani with a pathetic $11.6 million. The other Republicans in the race made less.

Getting back to the important candidates, as Hillary (Rodham) Clinton gears up for the big push toward the White House, strategists are concerned that the price of the presidency will continue to rise.

In 1976, the year Jimmy Carter was elected, the cost of buying the presidency was $3 million. In 1984, Ronald Reagan's re-election bid was almost double that. This year, the presidency might cost upwards of $100 million, making it the most expensive political office in American history.

Source: ABC News