Hitting the Wall: View from an Alcoholic in Early Recovery

"I'm Jason and I'm an alcoholic." This is a statement I'm getting used to making several times a week in substance abuse classes and A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings.

I've hit what they call "The Wall" and this article is about my personal view of this phenomenon.

What is the Wall? About the best definition I could find on the internet is in the following list of the phases of recovery.

o Stage 1: Withdrawal

o Stage 2: Early abstinence (sometimes called the "Honeymoon" or "pink cloud" stage)

o Stage 3: Protracted abstinence (sometimes called "the Wall")

o Stage 4: Adjustment and resolution

Just in the last week I've hit this wall and ever since I've been trying to piece together exactly what it means to "Hit the wall."

My own personal fight with Stage 1 wasn't as bad as I'd have thought. Of course I spent this phase in a jail cell.

Stage 2 I started to feel confident and good about myself and what I was doing, What is described as floating on a "pink cloud." This phase is dangerous because you start thinking you know everything and that you can now "handle it"and be a smarter drinker.

I can think of a lot of words and phrases to use for Stage 3, but it boils down to feeling like all your thoughts and emotions are in a blender set on light speed. I can't think straight, I can't comprehend problems, let alone the solutions to them. My emotions are like a seesaw and the whole concept of a "sober life" seems completely overwhelming.

After contemplating it, I don't think there is a solution to this phase. Basically the way I see it I can do one of two things.

1. Get a case of beer and forget the whole thing.

2. Try to sort out enough information in my scrambled brain to make intelligent decisions as life requires them.

The bottom line is that if I try to tackle anything more then what is absolutely necessary to survive the next five minutes I know I'll crack and carry out solution 1 above.

In A.A. you learn to handle things 24 hours at a time and since there is no cure for alcoholism it's a process you'll have to live with for the rest of your life. After 7 weeks of sobriety I can see where this concept comes from. The thoughts of staying sober for the next year, let alone the rest of my life, is simply overwhelming so I have to simply settle for staying sober for "the moment" one moment at a time. I still don't fully understand the wall or how best to deal with it, but I think I've found the only way I can deal with it.

If you're an alcoholic and are trying to tackle your problem on your own I would strongly advise seeking out a local A.A. meeting and giving it a try. You'll make new friends, which you'll need if you've alienated all the old ones because of your drinking like I did. You will also learn something, not everything they have to offer works for everybody, but at least a part of what they have to offer works for everyone.

I'll leave you with the following quote from yours truly, something that hit me like a rock when it came to mind. If you think about this every time you decide to have that first drink it just might keep you sober one more day.

"I can think of a thousand excuses to drink, however I can't think of a single good reason to."