Hoarding - a Daughter's Perspective

My mother is a hoarder. She has been collecting things all of her life. The philosophy has been that people can hurt you, things make you happy. A vision I have always felt was completely skewed. I can't deny noticing it for all of my life; I just don't think I realized what it was. She rarely if ever threw things away for fear if she did, she would find out she needed it later. On some level, it gave her some small measure of control, in times when she felt powerless. You can't control people, but you can control things. I don't recall a time she was ever in complete control over her life - she is a perpetual victim of life. Even when she creates the situation, she doesn't take responsibility.

I knew something was up with the attachment to things and collections, I never acknowledged the extent of the problem until she came to live with me. It is as though she projects strong attachment onto things, things that from my perspective hold no value beyond their one time use. I had a big struggle with her about not trying to wash and re-use plastic silverware and straws. These things were meant to be used and disposed of. I would keep finding them in my silverware drawer and truth be told it disgusted me. That is why they are called disposable, I'd argue. I'd keep throwing them away and they would keep re-appearing. Her way of getting back at me was to keep putting them in there.

Books, pens (working or not), knick knacks, ketchup, salt and pepper and sugar packets are among her favorite treasures. I really could never identify with the behavior and so it made life very frustrating for me. No one could touch her stuff, which eventually migrated from her room to my kitchen table. I was amazed to see how quickly the mail amassed and before long one half the length of my table covered in papers, books and magazines. I understood for a little while but I could see it continuing to mount. I just couldn't take it so I asked her to organize it and put the paperwork away. She moved it around a little then complained she had no where to put it. I bought her a three tiered cart and told her she could store the paperwork there. That worked for a little while, but she just couldn't keep up and soon not only was the cart full, so was my table again. I stressed to her the importance of throwing away old papers and magazines, but she would ignore my requests. After a while, I became so frustrated I would throw out the magazines when she wasn't around, and as I suspected she didn't miss them.

In June she took a bad fall and was hospitalized, her health deteriorated to the point she was put on a ventilator and we weren't even sure she would survive. Thankfully she did. Because of her condition it was decided she would be better off in her own place.

My place has a lot of stairs which could further complicate her health problem and pose a big fall risk. Another part of the decision was for her to be able to start putting her life back on track. We found her a nice two bedroom for her and my brother so she was not left totally alone. We had to make the transition quickly prior to her discharge from rehab so that her services could begin right away. When we began packing her things is when I realized the extent the hoarding had gotten too. I found a container in one of her dresser drawers filled with candy another with broken pieces of soap and two dice. I really laughed at that, but there was also so many books the mind could not comprehend it. Old dirty and falling apart shoes, rags unopened boxes of things that had been delivered. We did find a brand new toaster, clothes.

I think I could have clothed half the city with all the clothes we packed. We threw the old and dirty stuff away and packed everything else. I decided that she was going to have to unpack the boxes and decide for herself what she had room enough to keep. We put it all in her new room in her apartment. Seeing her accumulations of stuff I think was overwhelming to her at first. She is beginning to realize that keeping all the stuff will not be an option. About a week after she got home she called me, overwhelmed. I told her simply "You got to let go of the stuff and give more value to the people in your life" that for me is the solution.

I know people want to call this a sickness because they can't understand the cause. I feel differently having experienced this problem first hand. The responsibility lies solely with the individual and they themselves are the only ones who can correct it. I am happy to report that my mom is making progress, she is able to let go of the stuff in favor of improving her quality of life. Hoarding is an emotional problem manifesting itself. There are a number of reality shows centered around this problem now. We have extreme cases that have gone on for years and doctors who insist it is a mental disorder. I don't agree. The problem is compounded by underlying emotional stress the person is feeling and is projecting onto the items. If the emotions are faced and dealt with the problem can be managed and even eliminated.