Hogzilla's Will Publicized: Admits to Affair with Loch Ness Monster

The last will and testament of "Fred," the festering mammoth swine corpse known as Hogzilla II, who was originally reported to be hunted in the wild by Associated Content producer Jason King, and then revealed to be a hoax by Rachel Krech, and then deemed deliciously succulent by myself, has been unearthed in Alabama. In the will, the hog admits to sleeping with the Loch Ness Monster and predicts the poor quality of The Police 2007 world tour.

Hogzilla's last wishes, written in mud and bound in football, were discovered early Saturday morning in his childhood pile of excrement. Hogzilla writes about his post-high school trip to Scotland and his love affair with the mythic creature known as Nessie, who makes her rounds in Loch Ness. "With (Nessie), it was love at first sight," writes the 1,000-pound pork chop. "I asked Ness, 'Do you wanna hump?' and she said, 'No thanks, I already have two.' She was the consummate lady."

The pair had a summer tryst, but Hogzilla broke it up, complaining about Nessie's fame. "We were always being followed by photographers. It was like the paparazzi, and I'm just a simple farm hog. It's not like I'm a wild hog that you hunt down and kill when you're 11 years old. I still love her, even though she's green, scaly, and prehistoric." Scientists believe that the recent video of The Loch Ness Monster surfacing is due to Nessie mourning the loss of her beloved Fred.

Fred also prognosticates the lameness of The Police Reunion Tour in a cryptic quatrain tying together his love for Nessie: "Many miles away/ Something crawls to the surface/ Of a dark Scottish loch/ And that's when Copeland will open his big mouth" Obviously, this is referring to drummer Stewart Copeland's recent admission that the The Police's first few concerts have been sub par, but not sub par enough to refund ticket money.

Scholars are still deciphering Fred the giant hog's writings in an effort to sidestep any future disasters. Hogzilla's own legend is growing by leaps and bounds, as the rotting pork remains are in talks to replace Paula Abdul on next season's installment of Fox's American Idol, and his notoriety has even inspired the online game "Six Degrees of Literally Bacon," and a movement among porcophiles has begun to smite the 11-year-old hunter with the death penalty.