Holiday Gift-Giving Simplified

Hey, if you're struggling with what to get someone this Christmas season here are a few suggestions:

HIM:

1. Liquor, wine, or beer. [Quantity sufficient to forget what the charge bill will be in January or as an adjunct to the mother-in-law's unexpected visits.] My motto: "Whatever the problem...liquor is the answer!"

2. Ijaculator "Big-Bang" model. MSRP $300. [for real...look this one up in your search bar.] Especially good for the man whose wife is plagued with daily 'headaches' and troublesome weekly 'periods' like mine is.

3. Truck accessories: Seatcover [girlfriend?], bedliner [girlfriend?], dashcover [girlfriend?] , or maybe a new pair of headlights [girlfriend!]. New posi-traction rear-end wouldn't hurt, either.

4. Almost anything electronic. MP3 player, digital camera, new speakers, stereo, HD Television, cell phone, video games, follicle stimulator...whatever.

5. Fireworks and/or guns [ensure caliber is inversely proportional to genital size.]

6. Dreem-Creem®

7. Gift certificate to any buffet restaurant [my favorite is 'Choang's Dog & Cat Dynasty'..."You'll eat like a hog when you taste our dog!"]

HER:

1. Dr. Ben Dover's High-Potency Anti-Menses cream. [it's really for 'him' if you think about it...anyway, use only as directed.]

2. The Enya CD [or is it 'Inya?'] featuring the hit single "Orinoco [Heavy?] Flow."

3. Dr. Laura's 'Talk Less and Screw More" bedside reference edition. Companion book 'Save Some Craziness for Menopause' also available. $26.95 each from Random House.

4. Another freakin' pair of shoes or bottle of face, eye, ear, nose, throat, foot, clam, or hair cream. ["Oh, really, honey,--this one is different!]

5. Betty Crocker's "How to Cook without Burning it to Freakin' Crap" Cookbook. Revised, 2007. Includes section on meal timing to ensure steaks don't sit for two hours while rest of meal is being prepared.

6. 'Cheeses-of-Nazarath' variety platter. [Protestants and Catholics alike love this hearty selection of Wisconsin-synod goodas and cheddars.]

7. 'Not-Tonite'™ vinegar & alum douche set.

Hope this helps.