Holiday Grinch

I am 27 years old with a family of my own and Christmas just doesn't feel like Christmas anymore. Somehow...I have turned into the Grinch. I actually dread the holidays and that is a terrible feeling. I blame it on commercialism, debt, and the pressures that society puts on the holiday. Christmas used to be about family gatherings, decorating a fine tree, and opening that one special gift that you just had to have. Now people are taking out loans to buy gifts for family members and racking up debt on their credit cards just to keep up with the Joneses. Our society has become a now society. If we want something...we buy it now. If our children want something we buy it for them. There is no waiting, no anticipation, and the joy on the face of a child opening Christmas gifts has been replaced by a temper tantrum because they don't like the gift, or don't want it, or it wasn't exactly what they wanted. Somewhere along the way, Christmas became a myth...a distant memory and it breaks my heart.

When I was much younger, maybe between the ages of three and five...I remember a time when my parents were still married and my sister and I anxiously awaited the Christmas holiday. Our parents didn't have a lot of money and the only gifts I remember getting throughout the year were on my birthday and on Christmas. Those two days held so many memories for me and some of those memories still remain. I remember the giddy feeling of sneaking out of bed long before the sun breached the horizon, waking my sister up and running into our living room to see the beautifully decorated Christmas tree, swimming in a sea of gifts. I would touch the gifts, shake them, and even make my best attempt at guessing what was wrapped inside each package. It was a time in my life when Christmas was special and it was special for many reasons. My family was together and my mom made sure that no matter how little money we had, that Christmas was special for my sister and I.

At the present time, my parents are divorced and have been since I was nine years old. I have shared many of my holidays with seperate families for many years, and shared what should have been my special day with other children who were not part of my family, dividing the attention that I needed from my father between people that were strangers to me. Somehow, I became less significant and even felt like a stranger when visiting my father's house. Now I almost dread the holiday visits because it makes me uncomfortable. As I grew older, I realized the pressure that my mother felt around the holidays, trying to provide for my sister and I on a single income. No matter what the circumstances, she always did her best to make us feel special and to this day...it means so much to me.

This year I am feeling the holiday blues again. My son is four years old and he couldn't be more excited about Christmas. He has an entire list of toys that he wants for Christmas and is expecting Santa to bring them. My husband changed jobs recently and was out of work for almost two months prior to taking the current job. So we find ourselves in the midst of the holiday season, struggling to pay our bills and make ends meet. Christmas just isn't Christmas anymore. I have never felt so overwhelmed or stressed about a holiday in my life. I hav e tried my best to make this Christmas special for my son. We bake cookies and decorate them, along with putting up our holiday decorations that I have collected over the past few years. We watch Christmas movies and do our best to keep a cheerful spirit. But it breaks my heart knowing that the holidays are so stressful. It has caused friction in our household, and I find myself more depressed with each passing day...wondering if I can give him the Christmas joy that my mom gave to me. This is why I have become the Holiday Grinch.