Holiday Help for a Bereaved Person

My mom passed away due to a car accident right between Thanksgiving Day and Christmas two years ago. While this event was shattering to everyone in our family, at least most of us had our own little families and lives to retreat to, and some of us had children to help create the magic of Christmas season. My dad's life changed the most monumentally. He and my mom had been married for over 38 years, so he had no memory of himself as a single adult person. I am not sure that holiday season even registered with him. The whole next year was a blur of pain and acceptance, and the second Christmas season alone was still a painful reminder that he was a single man.

I read quite a few bereavement booklets during that time. Funeral homes hand out little brochures on "How to Handle Grief", bookstores are full of inspirational little stories about recovering from death of a loved one, and well-meaning friends continually send emails and links about life after death.

All of the advice for bereaved people at holiday time boiled down to basically this:
Scale back on your activities. You don't need to bake cookies, or host 10 parties if that is what you are used to.

Tell people how you feel and how you would like to spend your holidays.

It's okay to spend the holidays doing things you used to do, doing a different version of the same things, or to do something completely different like travel to Australia or take a cruise.

Express your feelings, whether you need to cry, or be alone, or talk about the lost loved one.

Do something to commemorate the lost loved one: donate something in his/her memory, light a candle if you go to church, or leave something meaningful at the gravesite.

All of those things are probably very useful. But watching my dad reeling from the loss of his life's partner was painful for all of us, and all the advice I read sounded so trite and useless. Here are some things I have gleaned from my dad on how to help someone you love cope with the holidays after the loss of a close loved one.

Don't expect anything. The bereaved person has a hard time remembering to eat or brush their teeth. So this isn't the year to get upset if a bereaved family member forgets your favorite color, the usual holiday rituals, or even forgets to buy you a gift altogether. Don't even be surprised if the bereft one forgets that it is Christmas Day altogether. The word I hear a lot to describe this stage is "frozen". Just don't expect a lot of hugs, warmth, and affirmation from someone in the frozen stage. Don't expect the mourning person to carry on a very coherent, in depth conversation, or to remember what you said last week. That person has all they can do to remain upright right now.

Listen. Sometimes, right in the middle of a conversation about football or farming, the bereaved person starts talking about perhaps, how the loved one died. Don't worry if they verbally relive that day or moment from time to time. It isn't necessary to mouth platitudes, give words of inspiration, assure them it gets better after a year or so (when they are still figuring out how they will make it through the day), or offer advice. The bereaved one may also reminisce about the lost loved one, or talk about moments they feel guilty about, such as a minor argument. Just listen. Don't change the subject, or tell the bereaved person how to feel, or that they should remember the dead person is in heaven now. The holidays will bring up more memories for a bereaved person, so be prepared to be kind and hear them out.

Bring food, it really does help. If you feel like bringing something to a grieving family or person, just drop it off. Don't feel like you need to stay and visit. Sometimes just the gift of knowing someone cared about you in such a loving way warms the bereaved person, but the thought of visiting is just too much.

Stay in touch. Sometimes, especially right after the frozen state, people feel rebuffed by the chilly or out of touch reception they got from the bereaved person, and drop off calling, checking in, or stopping by. Don't take it personally. It's still great for the bereaved person to know someone cares enough to leave them a heartfelt message, even if they can't quite bring themselves to call back.

Be gentle. No amount of hilarity, jollying, bucking up, or keeping a stiff upper lip is going to keep the stages of grief from happening. Suggest professional or pastoral counseling if you feel it is warranted, but don't try to push the bereaved person through the stages any faster than they can go.

Be familiar with the stages of grief. They are: denial and isolation; anger; bargaining (with God or the universe); depression; acceptance, and where true healing begins for the surviving bereaved person.

I hope none of you have a newly grieving person in your lives this holiday season. But if you do, I hope these tips from my dad help you all through the holidays.