Holiday Investigative Reports: the Nutcracker Conspiracy

We cracked the nut case of the nutcracker conspiracy. Once nuts were sold without shells and people started confusing the nutcracker for The Nutcracker the nutcracker began to fall short of public interest, by record numbers.

Wake up America! We can't allow our nutcracker traditions to be crushed by waves of extinction, merely mistaken for plays or resorted to switching a soldier's pride in cracking nuts for nibbling straight from the bag.

Nutcrackers, known to free the nuts from their shell casings, have recently proved weak in quality. In a nutshell, the wooden nutcrackers sold in most markets couldn't crack an eggshell without breaking. All in all, a nut is worthless if you can't crack it. A sad situation for any sack of nuts, including yours.

The largest global crackers may always remind us that sometimes size makes a difference. But let's face it. A nutcracker's future, at any size, is threatened. Our fiction-based holiday investigation shares red flags to this potential reality. We observe our findings.

On Dec. 22nd we entered a local Raleigh department store and spotted a family pondering a nutcracker purchase. The mother took the $9.99 nutcracker off of the metal shelf and slowly reached basket contact when all of the sudden the left side of the wooden mouth broke apart like a cheap baby crib. The father hid the evidence behind the other standing soldiers as the family slipped into the next isle.

We purchased the broken nutcracker to conduct a thorough examination to comply with our investigation. The examination, an autopsy so-per-say, took ten lengthy minutes. With a lighter as our tool of choice we popped off the bottle caps and debated on whether the wood proved weaker than the mechanics involved in the creation of these holiday soldiers. We began to pry portions of the head from the neck area working towards the lower half of the nutcracker.

The mystery was solved once we turned to the bottom of the nutcracker, Made in China. One thing China is not good at is woodwork. Sure, they have those computer chips doing all kinds of tricks but if the chips were made of wood - "wood" not work. Granted they would come with colorful carvings, designs, even sequins.

We re-entered the store to return the broken nutcracker and re-visited the shelf of nutcrackers. Each nutcracker had been dismantled with body parts everywhere. On the shelf below we found a nutcracker head between bags of walnuts and cashews along the nut isle. Bags of nuts in baskets screaming "Freedom" while the unwanted nuts on shelves weep in plastic isolation would be the dramatic angle. But far less worse than what the nutcracker would endure.

Two isles over a fight broke out between a middle-aged and an elderly woman. Before calling in support we arrived to defuse the situation. The women wanted the same red nutcracker on a shelf of blue ones. But why? We asked them what made the nutcracker so important. One answered, "Look I'm in a rush." The other smiled then appeared startled with her unusual response. "Hey, where are you going with my nutcracker!"

We found that each $39.99 nutcracker on that shelf was Made in USA rather than China. That would answer the triangular slit formations as eye and the whitest of nutcracker teeth on the easy-to-break nutcrackers. Remember, it is not all about looks.

Craftsmanship in design seems to be the main focal point between long-term usage and success of the nutcracker. Although it still doesn't answer why the nutcracker is beginning to appear less in households during the holidays.

As were preparing our store exit a voice came from the loud speaker. "Attention shoppers, there's a blue light special on the nutcrackers located at the nut isle. Originally $9.99 marked down to $1. Blue light special, just look for the blue light."

We are happy to report that each nutcracker had been purchased once each customer could scrape up enough pieces to form a nutcracker body. However, the blue light special did nothing for the blue nutcrackers two isles over. They still remain on the shelf today.

When it comes to global nutcracker production and the market, we conclude that price-cuts outweigh better craftsmanship. A potential nutcracker population killer in warp speed.

We continued our nutcracker investigation by visiting a homeless shelter's donation center. Upon arrival we clearly did not expect our sources to be accurate when tipping off information surrounding nutcrackers being donated to the homeless. Boxes and boxes of nutcrackers. We interviewed the assistant who confirmed that unless someone has the nuts to donate to the homeless they have no use for nutcrackers.

The center gave us the donated nutcrackers in hopes we could pawn them off on others. At home we placed some of the nutcracker soldiers in a color formation three feet apart while facing each other. It was World War III and a bag of shelled nuts. To the right were nutcrackers from China and to the left were the nutcrackers from USA.

We placed different nuts inside of each nutcracker's mouth and pushed down on the wooden lever. Over three-fourths of China's nutcrackers fell apart during the first crack at their nuts. USA mastered a sequence of strength in proving they can crack any sack of nuts. By the time our investigation was complete the final conclusion mirrored the first notion.

If you want to crack your nuts on the first smash it may be all about location, location, location. Where was the nutcracker made?

If your nuts are too hard then soak them in water for an hour. For that extra-edge in shell softening place your nuts in boiling water for less than a minute.

If you want a long-lasting nutcracker you have to pay for quality. And everyone knows even quality can be sold at a below market sale price.

Once you follow the last three suggestions then the nutcracker may return each year as good as the last. A family holiday tradition to continue for generations to come - the nutcracker.

The nutcracker investigation resulted in answers with one true perk. We have enough Christmas nutcrackers to give the in-laws and their family. A perfect gift for a different bag of nuts.

Note: "Holiday Conspiracy Reports: Cracking Your Nuts from the Inside" is fiction-based.

Source: Lori Lane