Hollywood Elects Al Gore King of the World

As most of the free world and a couple of isolated Eskimo tribes know, Al Gore won the "best documentary" Academy Award for his global warming warning "An Inconvenient Truth" at the 79th annual Academy Awards celebration. In addition to the award, Mr. Gore received re-election from Hollywood as King of the World a title formerly held by Leonardo DiCaprio. DiCaprio's title was self-imposed in the 3-hour pain-fest, Titanic. Gore is the first freely elected King of the World or as disenfranchised have dubbed him "Lord of all that is sweaty. Master of the silent but deadly. Prince of don't-you-dare-fart-in-my-hybrid car."

Analysis of the votes indicate that half were cast in hopes "to spread the word about the new Al Qada, global warming." The other fifty percent were cast simply in sympathy for Gore stemming from Hollywood's lasting frustration over the 2000 Presidential election. James Cameron was overheard saying, "We backed our boys with millions of dollars and we are not about to go unrewarded."

Gore nearly broke down twice during the presentation. Not that he was moved to tears. His solar-cell batteries were running low after all the activities leading up to the ceremony. Technicians were on hand to perform a quick recharge by running cables from the lighting array. Gore was quoted at the after-party as saying, "I'm very remorseful that I contributed to global warming by using energy from a coal-burning power plant, but I just could not let my investors, I mean, my fans down at such a prestigious and mooo..men...toussssss, o......cca.....sio........nun.....nun....nun." Gore was later spotted being lifted on to a flat-bed limo and hauled away to Fabulous Rick's of Hollywood autobody shop for repairs.

In related news, Beverly Hills' orthopedic surgeons enter their yearly boom-time treating injuries sustained at the 79th Annual Academy Awards. Glad-handing and back-slapping injuries pale in comparison the most common injury sustained. Injuries from patting oneself on the back were the most common. Martin Scorsese was last seen with both elbows above his head attempting the impossible "zit in the middle of my back" yoga pose.

Displaced shoulders were abundant from the auto-congratulatory gesture. However, several award recipients incurred wrist injuries trying to perform the impossible "double reach around." Proctologic consults were rushed to the scene as a precautionary measure.

On a personal note, the author's work-in-progress, "History of the Flush Toilet: What I found in my travails" is a sure bet in the office pools at next year's orgy...er...celebration.