Holy Tryptophan - It's Thanksgiving Already

It's once again time for Americans to celebrate how thankful we are for all the many gifts that have been bestowed upon us during the past 12 months. We do this in a number of different ways. First, by spending a dreadful day in an overcrowded airport wondering how much longer it will take for our overdue flight to depart while we contemplate how to best harm the child screaming in our ear that's sitting next to us and avoiding being seen by a nearby surveillance camera. If you happen to be a republican senator from out west, you substitute waiting in the concourse and instead spend time in a predetermined men's room meeting interesting fellow travelers in the adjoining stall. If your destination is closer, you may prefer to spend $3.50 per gallon of gas to drive bumper to bumper for 12 hours while threatening your kids as they too are screaming in your ear. A wonderfully crowded bus or train ride are also both viable options. Why do we put ourselves through this misery? The answer is elementary. To be able to spend a few days overeating, belching, expelling flatulence that will eventually kill Uncle Ned's parakeet, watching football and fantasizing about slashing our wrists just to be in the bosom of our family.

If you feel compelled to overeat, and my God it seems almost everyone does, I would like to share with you some of my family's and my own favorite top secret holiday recipes. For the sake of full disclosure, I would never eat any of this crap, but most well adjusted and non-health conscious humans seem to scarf these delicacies down with the same indiscriminate appetite as a blood smelling great white shark.

As Thanksgiving Day draws ever closer, it's best to prepare as much of the festive feast ahead of time as possible in order to set aside as much alcoholic
time as possible. That being said, once those beloved relatives start rolling in, with the kids hysterically screaming and the old fossils dredging up ancient grudges with promises to settle the score out back, the kitchen may be the only safe and peaceful place to be. Regardless, I still strongly recommend doing as much advance prep work as possible. Then, when the chaos begins, you can simply hide in the corner and smile catatonically as your liver and brain cells begin to degenerate.

Let the cooking begin.

Pumpkin Soup
Ingredients: three (3) 15 oz cans of pumpkin
4 1/2 cups chicken stock
1 to 2 tsp sugar, to taste
salt and pepper, to taste
1 cup plain yogurt
Put pumpkin in a large pot. Add sugar and a little salt and pepper. Pour in chicken stock. Cook for 20 minutes until soup is hot, adding water to thin, if necessary. Serve hot. Pass around yogurt in a bowl so your guests can stir in the amount they want.

Pumpkin Cranberry Bread
Ingredients: 3 cups all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon plus 2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
3 cups granulated sugar
1 15 oz can pumpkin
4 large eggs
1 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup orange juice or water
1 cup sweetened dried, fresh or frozen cranberries
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour two 9 x 5 inch loaf pans.
Combine flour, pumpkin pie spice, baking soda and salt in a large bowl. Combine sugar, pumpkin, eggs, vegetable oil and orange juice (or water) in a large mixer bowl. Beat until just blended. Add pumpkin mixture to flour mixture. Stir until just moistened. Fold in cranberries. Spoon batter into prepared loaf pans.
Bake for 60 to 65 minutes or until wooden pick pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in pans on wire racks for 10 minutes. Remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Cranberry Apple Stuffing
Ingredients: 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 medium tart apple, cored and diced
1 cup each of diced celery and diced onion
3/4 cup dried cranberries
14.5 oz can of chicken broth
2 six oz bags of seasoned stuffing
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large skillet, saut� apple, celery, onion and cranberries in oil until onion is tender. In a large bowl, combine saut�ed vegetables, broth and stuffing mix until well blended. Spoon stuffing mixture into a greased 13 x 9 x 2 inch baking pan. Cover and bake for 35 minutes.

Cranberry Sauce
Ingredients: 2 cups water
2 cups sugar
2 bags (12 oz each) fresh cranberries
1 bag (12-16 oz) frozen strawberries in syrup
2 cans (11 oz each) mandarin orange segments
1 can chunk pineapple
Bring water and sugar to a boil in a large saucepan. Add cranberries and return to a boil. Reduce heat and boil gently for 15 minutes. Cool completely to room temperature. Once cooled, add strawberries with syrup, mandarin orange sections (drained) and chunk pineapple (drained). Refrigerate until serving time.

Green Bean Casserole
Ingredients: 10 3/4 oz can condensed cream of mushroom soup
3/4 cup milk
1/8 teaspoon pepper
2 packages (9 oz each) frozen cut green beans, thawed
1 1/3 cups French's french fried onions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a 1 1/2 quart casserole, combine soup, milk and pepper. Mix well. Stir in beans and 2/3 cup french fried onions. Bake for 30 minutes or until hot. Stir. Sprinkle with remaining 2/3 cup onion. Bake 5 minutes or until onions are golden.

Sweet Potato Casserole
Ingredients: 3 cups mashed or 1 (40 oz) can yams/cut sweet potatoes in syrup, drained and mashed
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup milk
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 cup butter, melted
1 cup chopped pecans
1 cup light brown sugar
1 cup self-rising flour
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease an 11 x 7 x 2 inch baking dish. In a bowl, combine the potatoes, sugar, milk, eggs, salt, vanilla, nutmeg, cinnamon and 1/2 cup melted butter. Stir well. Pour into prepared pan. In a small bowl, combine 1/2 cup butter, pecans, brown sugar and flour. Spread over potatoes. Bake 50 minutes or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

On Thanksgiving Day, we're ready to prep and cook the actual turkey. Remember to remain focused on the task at hand. The sooner your guests have been fed, the sooner you can stampede them through the nearest door to their waiting vehicles.. Now, using that as your primary motivator, let's get to work, shall we?

Turkey
For the first time in modern history, my top secret turkey recipe is about to be released to the public. Gobble, gobble.

Ingredients: one (1) stick of butter, softened to room temperature, providing of course your room is not located in the north pole.
salt
tabasco sauce
paprika
black pepper
ground red pepper
garlic salt
onion powder
poultry seasoning
flour
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. First step is to remove all of the assorted bags of disgusting stuff crammed inside inside your turkey. Thoroughly rinse bird with cold water. Pat dry with clean paper towels. Liberally sprinkle salt inside the turkey's body cavity. With turkey on a large platter, thoroughly coat entire bird with the softened butter. Any excess butter can be placed inside the cavity. Season with tabasco sauce, paprika, garlic salt, onion powder, black pepper, ground red pepper and poultry seasoning. Sprinkle flour over top of turkey. Place turkey in a roasting pan and cover with a tent of aluminum foil. Bake your turkey for 22 minutes per pound. When there is 45 minutes remaining, remove the aluminum tent and baste your turkey with the pan juices. Broil for the final 5 to 10 minutes.

Gravy
Once the turkey is completely cooked, remove from the pan to cool. Leave only the juices behind. Pour pan juice into a measuring cup and let stand until fat separates. Pour 1/4 cup fat back into the roasting pan placed over two burners at medium heat. Discard remaining fat. Whisk in 1/4 cup flour. Add enough liquid (broth, wine, water) to the turkey juices to total 3 cups. Slowly add the juices into the flour mixture, stirring vigorously to blend well and avoid lumps. Bring mixture to a simmer, stirring constantly. Next, bring gravy to a boil, stirring until thickened. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve immediately.

Cranberry Almond Biscotti
Ingredients: 2 1/4 cups flour
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
2 eggs
2 egg whites
1 tablespoon vanilla or almond extract
1 1/4 cups sweetened dried cranberries
1/4 cup sliced almonds
Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon and nutmeg in a mixing bowl. Transfer to wax paper. In the same bowl, whisk together the eggs, egg whites and extract until just combined. Add the dry ingredients and, using an electric mixer on medium speed, mix until just moist. Add the cranberries and almonds and mix just to combine. On a floured surface, divide batter in half and pat each half into a log about 15 inches long and 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Place log on a baking sheet and bake for 30 minutes.
Remove from oven and reduce heat to 300 degrees. Using a thin bladed serrated knife, cut each log crosswise into 1/2 inch thick slices. Stand the slices upright on the baking sheet and bake another 20 minutes. Let cool and store in loosely covered container.

White Chocolate Cheesecake with Cranberry Swirl
Ingredients for Cranberry Swirl:
1 1/2 cups cranberries
3/4 cup orange juice
1/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoons cranberry or orange liqueur
1 tablespoon grated orange peel
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
Ingredients for Filling:
6 oz imported white chocolate. finely chopped
three 8 oz packages cream cheese, room temperature
3/4 cup sugar
4 large eggs

For cranberries - Combine all ingredients in heavy small saucepan. Simmer over medium heat until cranberries lose their shape and mixture thickens slightly, stirring occasionally, about 8 minutes. Transfer mixture to processor and blend until smooth. Strain. Cool.

For filling - Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Stir 6 oz white chocolate in top of double boiler over barely simmering water until melted and smooth. Cool slightly. Using electric mixer, beat cream cheese in large bowl until smooth. Mix in sugar. Beat in eggs 1 at a time, beating well after each addition. Gradually mix in white chocolate.

Pour half of filling into 9 inch diameter spring foam pan. Drop half of cranberry mixture atop filling by 2 tablespoons, spacing evenly. Use small sharp knife to swirl cranberry mixture into filling. Carefully pour remaining filling over. Drop remaining cranberries atop filling by 2 tablespoons, spacing evenly. Again, swirl cranberry mixture into filling. Bake cake until edges are puffed and golden, about 40 minutes. Cool on rack. Chill overnight.
Run small sharp knife around sides of pan to loosen cheesecake. Release pan sides. If desired, press white chocolate curls onto edges of cheesecake.

Now feel free to loosen your pants, say ahh a few times and for your grand finale, further deplete your planet's shrinking ozone layer with noxious fumes. Make sure you remain conscious at all times.