Home is Where the Heart Lives

I am afraid but this is what I must do. It has always been a struggle for me to make decisions on my own. This time I must. When Greg passed away my life fell apart. Everyone stared and talked about me as if I would fall into a deep depression. I refuse to let that happen. Yes, it is terrifying to think about what I will do with myself now that I am faced with so many challenging decisions.

When everyone learns that I have made the decision to move away, there will be many comments. Most will not be supportive. I know that Greg would want me to be able to stand on my own as I hear him say, "Don't ever depend on anyone." He would've been the only one proud of my choice. I don't have anyone or anything standing in my way now

I have always longed for the acceptance of others. I needed and wanted their approval in my decisions. I can still recall as a child looking at my parents for that smile or certain look to tell me it was alright. If somehow I missed it, then it was wrong. I felt this need that I had to please everyone or I just couldn't do it. Guilt always got the best of me.

Then I met Greg who was quite the opposite from me, he seemed to make up his mind and stick by it with little or no regrets. I admired this most about him. I think this is why we were so compatible. His strong presence always made him so attractive and it was what appealed to me the most. I recall watching him walk with such confidence and make difficult decisions look so easy. Here I was always allowing people to make choices for me. I longed to be as confident as he was. However it took a long time. Only when he was gone was I able to find who I really was.

"The worst thing you can do is run away," they said. But I have resolved to the fact that I am not running away from the dead, but from the living. I need to do this on my own, to finally move away and find out who I actually am.

As I unpack in a new town, I realize how quiet it all seems to be. It's hard to explain, but through all this silence I can actually hear myself finally saying "I don't feel guilty about being here." It seemed as if I had belonged here all my life, it felt so right. Greg would have been so proud of me. For if it was not for him I could not have done this. In time everyone will accept my decision.

The best part is that for once in my life I feel like I am home. This is where my heart belongs although it will never forget where it came from.