Homeland Security Strikes Again

Despite what the talk radio clowns would have you believe, the jackbooted storm troopers aren't marching down the streets just yet. In fact, the only thing more illogical than the twisted "logic" being spouted by these disembodied voices is the absurd report by the Department of Homeland Security equating disillusionment with the incumbent congress and Obama administration with being a potential "rightwing radical" or, even worse, a "disgruntled veteran."

I will not comment further on the literary merits of that abomination writ in bureaucratese but will say that if you want an example of how not to write an expository paper or research report, read it for yourself at Rightwing Extremism: Current Economic and Political Climate Fueling Resurgence in Radicalization and Recruitment. With that said, I call you attention to an even greater insult to our collective intelligence.

According to the Department of Homeland Security's (DHS) web site, "The DHS Daily Open Source Infrastructure Report is a non−commercial publication intended to educate and inform personnel engaged in infrastructure protection..." It is also a living, breathing testimonial to the notion that competence is inversely proportional to the size of a bureaucracy.

The following are but a few examples of what DHS is doing when it isn't creating reports that are so loaded with "weasel words" as to render them worthless to all but a handful of bureaucrats. All are taken from the Daily Open Source Infrastructure Report for 16 April 2009.

2) A worker was seriously burned during work on a coke drum at the Exxon Mobil Corp Torrance, California, refinery over the weekend...

THIS is a matter of "national security?"

4) A crude oil leak discovered early Monday morning near the site of an oil well that exploded and killed a man four years ago enraged nearby residents and closed off access to homes in north Whittier (CA)... In the broken pipe were water, natural gas, and oil pumped from a nearby well, said a hazardous materials specialist of the Los Angeles County Fire Department. "There was a puddle of crude," he said. "It wasn't terribly large." Only about 3 gallons of oil spilled out onto the street, said the Whittier public works director.

I can see turf war starting over DHS nosing in on the EPA's territory.

9) According to Bloomberg, General Motors Corp. is recalling 1.5 million vehicles in the United States to fix a glitch in an engine component that may cause oil to leak and lead to a fire...

Let's see: $30 billion in bailout money divided by 1.5 million recalled lemons works out to around $2,000 per vehicle. And GM wonders why it's losing money.

12) The U.S. Army's Lake City Ammo Plant in Independence, Missouri is modernizing its facilities and expanding its work to include a modified M118 sniper cartridge and a 20mm round at the facility...

Well, what did you expect? Somebody has to arm all those dangerous rightwing extremists and disgruntled veterans.

15) As concerns over the economy remain unabated, local banks are taking additional steps to protect customers' money. First Security Bank, based in Owensboro, Kentucky, recently began offering the Certificate of Deposit Account Registry Service, which allows deposits of up to $50 million to be insured by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. That amount far exceeds the basic $250,000 the FDIC will cover for individual depositors. "You would be surprised by the number of customers who have a concern about their money and have more than the FDIC limit..."

The good news is that you can purchase insurance so your money won't wind up in the hands of Bernie Matoff. The bad news is that the insurance is being underwritten by AIG.

20) A six-year, $250 million anti-terrorism effort to secure the nation's ports is delayed for at least two more years because the government lacks machines to read fingerprint ID cards issued to more than 1 million workers. Truckers, deckhands, and others requiring access to secure areas at ports paid $132 apiece for the high-tech ID cards that have their fingerprints embedded in them. But the Homeland Security Department, which is overseeing the program, says it still lacks fingerprint readers that can be used reliably in harsh weather...

At least Homeland Security's screw-ups are cheaper than GM's. Maybe when Janet Napolitano gets fired at DHS she can get the CEO job at GM.

It's enough to make you wish that John Ashcroft was back in town.