Homophobes: The More Freaked Out You Are By Gays, the More Likely You're Gay!

I truly don't understand homophobes. I mean yes, I can totally understand a straight guy feeling awkward or creeped-out in a gay bar or at a party full of gay guys or whatever. In fact, I'm an open-minded woman but my two experiences in lesbian bars weren't very comfortable - it's that whole thing where other people assume you're a certain way because of the atmosphere you're in. I'd feel uncomfortable at an NA meeting too - I'm in the same room but I'm not hooked on crack and I don't want anyone to think I am.

See what I mean? But the fact of the matter is that for the most part, gay guys only hit on other gay guys. If a gay guy is hitting on you, just smile and say, "I'm sorry but I'm straight." It works! For the most part, they don't live in caves and prey on heterosexual men for sustenance and lurk in alleys waiting to throw you down and rape you. For the most part, they are just like you straight guys, addicted to The Simpsons, lonely, hard-working and looking to get laid once in a while and wanting to settle down someday with a nice significant other and get a couple dogs or cats and grill steaks out on the back deck on Sunday evenings.

Your average homo is no more likely than your average hetero to molest children, grope you against your will, or jam his tongue down your throat with no warning. In fact, your average homo is less likely to do anything to arouse anger or offend you, because (in my experience at least), your average homo has a hell of a lot more manners and sensitivity than your average hetero.

So please, stop your outdated, unnecessary paranoia. You flatter yourselves: the odds of a man (or woman, if we're being perfectly honest) being more attracted to your smelly, hairy, stained sweatpants-clad body and your burping and scratching and farting than to a well-dressed, freshly showered, clean-shaven, nice-smelling man who they might actually have a shot with, well ... those odds are slim to none. The bottom line is that you mega-homophobes draw more attention to yourselves with your gay jokes and gay-bashing and fear of anything that could be even remotely "gay" than you would if you just shut your traps and tried to be civil. You make people wonder about you. It's that whole, "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much" thing. Trust me, we talk about you. The biggest anti-gay people seem to always get caught in a compromising position with a member of the same sex. I'd mention some key Republican political figures here, but I don't want to get sued.

There's no reason to be scared by a gay man. Homosexuality is not contagious - you're not going to come down with a bad case of The Gay just by being near a gay man. He's not going to hurt you. He's not going to jump you and tie you down with 1,000 thread-count Ralph Lauren sheets just to get a piece of that lumpy ass of yours. If you've had a bad experience with a gay guy, I'm sorry. But don't judge an entire cross-section of the human race based on one jerk. I almost got beat up by a black guy one time, but I don't hate all black people or walk around being a racist moron. If you want to secretly revile homosexuals, nobody can stop you. But we've progressed enough as a society that your intolerance is really no longer acceptable. You're as bad as racists. You're going to have to come to terms with the fact that homosexuals are as emotionally complex and diverse as everyone else. Your gay jokes and your glares and your overall mean attitude are wrong - just plain wrong.

And I'll tell you one more thing: homophobes aren't only unattractive to gay men - they're unattractive to most women as well. Think about that the next time you start bashing gays.

And for God's sake, take a shower and put on some deodorant.

***Send your hate mail. I relish it.***