Honk If You Love Linguini

To the woman in Montrose (you know who you are): I owe you an apology. Yesterday at the intersection I turned left in front of you and you were forced to slow down for a moment. That must have been terrible for you and I fully understand and accept your visual and verbal rebukes.

In my defense I would like to blame the country of Italy. You see, I adopted a few of their driving techniques while I was there and these techniques have not been well received here in my home land. They are:

1. Pulling into traffic anytime, anywhere.2. Always pass the person in front of you even if it gives you no discernable advantage.

When I first arrived in Italy I thought Italians were the worst drivers on the planet. Then after being abducted by space aliens, I realized Italians are the worst drivers in the whole galaxy.

For example, I was riding through the Italian countryside with one man when he passed several cars at once going up a hill and around corners on a road originally designed for ox-carts. I was riding with him because he happened to be our bus driver that day. He passed by some cars so close that I was able to look the other drivers squarely in their eyes while I fastened their seat belts for them. He passed so close to one car that if it had one more coat of paint he would have scraped it.

I rode with a young man one time whose horn button on his steering wheel was actually worn off. Imagine for a second what that means. Now, in the time it took you to imagine that, he could have passed three cars, parked on the curb, got out and had a gelato. And all that with a horn worn down to a nub. It was not even that old of a car.

So they drive as though they have road rage. As though the other driver not only ruined their day but also insulted their mother's linguini and made a bad penalty call against their favorite soccer star. Thing is, they do not actually feel any rage. They just seem (to western eyes)to be expressing rage. They pass, cut off, shout, honk, swerve, and slam on their brakes without any anger. And if you cut them off or swerve into their lane they think nothing of it.

So perhaps there is something we can learn from Italian drivers. Enjoy the trip, do not hold a grudge or seek revenge against other drivers. Keep your grudges and vendettas where they belong; on the fans of the opposing soccer team.