Honoring Parents or Codependent Behavior?

Frequently, those in a codependent relationship with one or more parents will confuse this admonition with the dysfunctional behaviors present in their unhealthy relationship.

Breaking it Down

In order to better understand the difference, it is important to clearly define what each behavior entails.

Honor, as a behavior, is understood to be that behavior which shows reverence and respect. It entails politeness, courtesy, and showing esteem for another.

Codependency is that behavior which demonstrates an unhealthy and inappropriate concern for the troubles of another, to the point of enabling them to continue their harmful behavior. Generally, one party is controlling and manipulating the other via the other party's over involvement and inappropriate concern which is usually expressed in terms of being unable or unwilling to take any assertive stance towards independence or having personal boundaries.

For example, a son won't stand up to a mother's continual interfering in his marriage because 'it's just how she is' or 'it will hurt her feelings'. He may go further by stating his behavior is 'honoring' his mother, and to do anything other than what he is doing would be violating one of the ten commandments.

In a codependent relationship, both parties display a dysfunctional need for this type of relationship with one another. Often, but not always found in the families of alcoholics or drug-addicts, or where there has been child abuse; this behavior is defined by healthatoz.com to be 'a set of maladaptive and compulsive behaviors learned in order to survive in an emotionally painful and stressful environment'.

The Good News

The good news is that this unhealthy cycle can be broken. It takes time, concentrated effort, consistency, and a lot of hard work, but it can truly be done.

The first step is for one or both of the parties to recognize the dysfunction, or codependency. Until at least one of them recognizes it, nothing will or can ever change.

Once recognized, steps will have to be consistently taken, and new relationship rules or boundaries enforced, in order to establish a healthy relationship in place of the unhealthy one.

Establishing Personal Boundaries

Clearly defining healthy personal boundaries is a good place to start. Counseling is a great option as well, even if only one party is seeking it. While you cannot change another person, the choices you make for yourself and in establishing your own boundaries can change their behavior towards you. For some, writing it all down in the format of a personal bill of rights can be very helpful.

The Three C's of Change

In making the shift from unhealthy to healthy in any relationship, it is crucial to remember the Three C's:

*Clear Communication
Once defined, your personal boundaries need to be clearly communicated.

*Consistency
Once established, the boundaries will be tested, and therefore, will need to be consistently upheld.

*Courtesy
Others have rights and personal boundaries, as well. Those need to be respected, too.

Staying the Course

It can be frustrating and seem futile at first, but over time, changes for the better will be seen. The worst and most difficult part is at the beginning when both parties are experiencing the changes and how the 'new rules' effect them and their relationship with one another.

It will get better and it will get easier with patience, practice, and consistency.