Horoscopes for Radio Programmers

Cancer (June 21 - July 21) Despite its brilliance as a metaphor, your personally written and produced public safety announcement detailing swimming pool safety - translated into the moving sounds of the harpsichord will continue to have little effect on the inner-city children of your market.

Leo (July 22 - Aug 22) Love is in the air! Ask the next caller to the request line out on a date. They are the one you have been waiting for Leo! The one!

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 21) Virgos at times can be too caught up in detail and miss the larger picture. So wake up! Stop pouring through Selector for typos on the song cards and realize that you've had dead air for the last five minutes because your morning team is outside smoking. Your lucky numbers are 4, 44, and 8.

Libra(Sept 21 - Oct 22) This week is going to be especially hectic so don't take any kind of crap from anybody. I mean no one! Roll over anyone who can't seem to keep up or anyone who slows you down even a hair. Use your stapler as a weapon. Open it up and aim it at lazy part-timers, then click staples at them. In extreme cases, press it against the back of their necks just so they know you're not kidding around. Hide behind your computer's monitor and use rubber bands to catapult paper clips into people's lines of vision. This is very important Libra. It's in the stars for you to do this.

Scorpio(Oct 23 - Nov 21) As a fixed sign, Scorpio is associated with focus, individuality and determination. This will do little to stop your General Sales Manager from continuing to bitch about the station's low Arbitron numbers for Females 55 to 70. Your lucky numbers are 5, 7, and 0.

Sagittarius(Nov 22 - Dec 20) Sagittarius is a fire sign and is associated with action, passion, and energy. Those under its influence are said to be idealistic and adventurous which means that yes Sagittarius, it is indeed time to flip your format to "Spanish Dance Carribean".

Capricorn(Dec 21 - Jan 20) Sadly dear Capricorn, despite your emailing him all your passwords, credit card information, and your bank account and 401k numbers, the 30 million dollars the politically exiled prince of Botswana promised has still not arrived.

Aquarius(Jan 21 - Feb 19) Well, you've really done it now. Your GM has been on you all week to come up with a great lineup for a showcase and all you've been able to get is a "maybe" from Loverboy and three voicemails from your overnight guy's garage band. Fret not Aquarius, help is on the way, as a freak weather front will divert three tour buses away from the next Warped Tour stop - right into your market! Even better, you'll be able to pay the bands to play with a few trucker caps, and promised access to your stations Internet so they can check their messages on myspace.

Pisces(Feb 20 - Mar 19) As a Water sign, Pisces is associated with growth, identification and emotion. In combination with the other elements, water feels that fire will make it boil, air will evaporate it, but earth will shape and channel it. Simply said, you're not spinning the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs track enough.

Aries (Mar 20 - April 18) You haven't been doing a good enough job embracing your inner Diva lately. Snap to it Aries! Remember, Whitney Houston, Chaka Khan, Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross, Celine Dion, and Rosie O'Donnell are all fellow Aries; so be sure to make an intern wash your car this week and maybe throw some CDs at your afternoon drive guy's head for no apparent reason. Demand there be fresh pot of coffee brewed every 10 minutes and only take calls from Record Reps between 4:30 and 4:37pm on alternating Wednesdays. You need to keep these people on their toes and remind them who's really in charge.

Taurus(April 19 - May 19) Considered calm, generous, and loyal friends, Taureans are also known for being stubborn, jealous, and possessing extremely violent tempers. That's some heavy shit right there man. Well, Taurus, bad news - Venus is the ruler of your sign right now, while Uranus is considered to be in your fall. This means it might indeed be time for that butt-tuck procedure you saw advertised last night on BRAVO. Your lucky numbers are 3, 7, and 156.

Gemini(May 20 - June 20) Each astrological sign is assigned a part of the body, viewed as the seat of its power. Gemini rules the nervous system, the lungs, the hands and arms. Remember this while you flail your neck and head about vainly in front of the Record label rep, trying to look like the new single from Nickelback doesn't sound like a Kid Rock 45 played at 33.