Horrible Horoscopes for January

Your horrible horoscope for January is for entertainment (perhaps) purposes only. Please don't throw rocks at me.

Horrible Horoscope for:

Capricorn

It is your birthday. You will find that a friend tells you something very odd. Try not to act surprised. This should be easy for you as you have the emotional sensitivity of a dead fish.

Aquarius

If you don't do it, who will? No one. That's who. No rest for you this month. Keep talking and try to convince yourself that you can talk it all through.

Pisces

It is time to learn a new song. The album you are working on is awful. But don't worry. You can redo the whole thing and make hundreds of dollars. Don't think of the past year as wasted effort. Think of it as a journey. Pay attention to your January horoscope from last year as well.

Aries

Whoa. Watch the stress level. You are going to have to find some way to de-stress before you alienate everyone in the entire world.

Taurus

If you are feeling low this month, it is just your hormones. Just let things coast for a couple of weeks. In the spring you'll be back to grabbing yourself by the horns again. This year, just please do it in private. Ignore false horoscopes.

Gemini

Feeling Fickle? If you answered "no" you need to look deeper. Your inner child is upset with you and needs to know his/her place in your life now. You don't believe you have an inner child? Well, you can't be helped then. I give up.

Cancer

Sea Monkeys deserve love too. Embrace the humor inside or you will perish in a well of doom. Don't ignore any horoscope for your sun sign or your rising sign this month. Be nice to virgo friends.

Leo

Now would be a great time to get a better haircut. You are stuck in the 1980's.

Virgo

This January, you are the best person in the world. Really. You are.

Libra

So, you think you are on a roll and that everything is clear from here on out? You are wrong. Now is the time to focus on matters of the heart. Someone is confused about their place in your life. Be more clear. Buy flowers for yourself to let you know you care.

Scorpio

You are really making some people angry. I know you don't care but you should. Try to be nice at least once a day. It won't kill you.
P.S. Yes, your butt looks big in those pants.

Sagittarius

You are keeping secrets. Some of these you should hold inside forever. Others--especially if they have to do with a crime--must be told. Big brother is watching.

The Super Supernatural weather forecast for the United States.

The New England states will experience some angry wraith-wrapped rotations towards the end of January. Around the 15th, strong magnetic winds will blow southward from Canada, disrupting U.S. Citizens' sense of well-being. People in Michigan and Wisconsin will feel especially surly and will blame Canadians.