Horror Film Wisdom

I am a cinema buff especially when it comes to horror films. I have seen my fair share over the years and I have been able to glean tid bits on how to survive an encounter with a crazed killer, ghost, demon, monster, whatever. Here is my cinematic, survivalist wisdom.

Know your history. If you are a moving to an area or are buying a new home, know its history (Poltergeist). If you have not moved in 20 years learn the local legends for your area. Obviously, if a home is rumored to be haunted do not buy it. Looking to move to a new city where the founders massacred the local Indian tribe? Not a good idea. If you live near many of the bodies of water in America named "Crystal Lake", you should seriously consider going on a vacation every Friday the 13th (or moving away all together). If people would follow just this one rule not so many people would have to die.

Do not taunt "it". This one should go without saying, and in away it is a subset of the previous rule, but it deserves to be mentioned. Whatever "it" is, or "they" are you do not mock it; don't call it out (Paranormal Activity). You don't laughingly deny its existence. Don't seek out trouble and don't test legends to see if they are true (The Blair Witch Project and Candyman). Assume they are and stay away. Confrontation avoidance goes a long way in staying alive. If you have some desire to be the next Van Helsing go right ahead. But know this, some "it" will eventually get you.

Be prepared. There is a lot of overlap in terms of skills and equipment necessary for disaster preparedness and "spooky" preparedness. Make darn sure your car is in excellent working condition and starts the first time right away. Have a lot of lights around. Invest in a pair of good running shoes; Velcro is preferable. Yes, it will make you look like a kid or mentally handicapped but there are no laces to come untied. A cell phone is a good idea - it has the time, is a light, and if you lose or ditch it, it is evidence of where you have been. Count on it not being able to make calls though. Murphy's law will be in effect. This holds true for all your gear. Have good gear but do not rely on it too much. It will often fail.

Have at least one gun. Again another subset. Some people might fight me on this one, but guns do work in a variety of horror situations. Granted a gun does nothing for encounters with paranormal beings. But for monsters and psychopaths? A psychiatrist with a revolver did more good than the entire Haddonfield Police department (Halloween I & II).

Believe in Evil. It is the altruistic, hippie types that die first. I will let you the reader decide what Evil is, but know that it is indeed real and operate under that belief. Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Clause and yes Laurie Strode there is a Boogeyman.

Be extra suspicious of holiday characters. If it is St. Patrick's day and you see a little person or kid dressed up as a Leprechaun . . . Don't assume it is a Leprechaun, assume it is THE Leprechaun. Same goes for Santa, snowmen, rabbits (visible and invisible), Uncle Sam, and anyone or thing dressed up for Halloween. Better yet, just live in your closet for the entire month of October.

Don't run into the building. How many times have you been watching a movie where the protagonist is running away from the evil whatever, doing a pretty good job of escaping only to run into some house or shack? If you are getting away from the killer then just keep on running. This is where having a gun might help. Find a nice big, empty parking lot and hold your ground, or keep running. But do not go into the building even if it is your home. There are exceptions to this rule. You are dealing with something that is very fast and/or flies. You are injured and cannot run quickly. You are dealing with a horde of zombies. Some of the rules for horror survival do not hold true for zombies. Zombie survival is really its own thing and I will not get into it here. I recommend - www.zombiecrisis.org

Live clean. Don't drink, smoke, and definitely do not do drugs or fornicate. Horror films are morality tales and it is the immoral that die first. That, and it is harder to run from, or kill, a bad guy if you are faded. It would be really lame if the first time you saw a werewolf was when you were buzzing on whatever. What would be even more lame is no one would believe you because you were drunk or high.

Never ever trust a clown. This should go without saying, but some people still do not understand that clowns are Evil. Michael Myers dressed up like a clown the night he killed his sister. His niece, Jamie Loyd (Halloween IV & V) did the same thing the night she stabbed her mom. The freaky puppet from the Saw series is "clownish", and so is the demon Captain Howdy from The Exorcist. Who could forget Pennywise from Stephen King's It? Captain Spaulding from House of a Thousand Corpses and The Devil's Rejects is a clown. Do you need anymore examples? How about John Wayne Gacy? He was a real guy, who really dressed up like a clown, and was really evil.

If you are dealing with ghosts or demons there is good chance you are screwed. I highly recommend getting right with God, which entails getting right with other people, if you find yourself in that situation. If you profaned something that is sacrosanct, try to make things right. Do not hesitate to call an exorcist; they have been known to work.

Hopefully, the above will help if you are being pursued by Evil. If you find yourself in despair at the thought of defeating Evil, remember this . . . Someone has got to make it out alive for the sequel.