Hot Careers for 2007!

As the national unemployment rate skyrocketed to 4.5 percent yesterday, authorities remain concerned over the number of able-bodied men and women unable to find gainful employment. "It's getting really tough out there. Even for college graduates," said Wilton Fraleigh, U.S. Labor Secretary.

"People who have depended on their education and experience are finding it necessary to come up with more creative career solutions," said Nicola Speranza, Career Counselor at Isaias Scrichfield Community College in Pumpkin Center, Missouri. So, to solve the problem, the Bush Administration has published its annual list of "hot careers" in an effort to get their constituents back to work. Here is a brief list of the most sought after professions for 2007:

Colonic Hydrotherapy Technician - Many chiropractors, naturopaths and assorted practitioners believe that the inside of the digestive tract is the mirror to the soul. So, to keep it smelling springtime fresh, Colonic Hydrotherapy Technicians flush more than 20 gallons of water, herbs, enzymes and coffee through thirty inches of rubber hose, up where the sun doesn't shine. Training consists of 100 hours of intensive online training and computer simulations followed by a final examination where examinees administer treatments to one another.

Odor Judge - Ever wonder how your favorite antiperspirant made it from the test tube to your arm pit? Odor Judges are faced with the daunting task of evaluating thousands of scents under a variety of real life situations to determine which product performs best under stressors such as a first date, obtaining a learner's permit or surviving a job interview. Odor Judges must complete 1500 hours of training that includes anatomy, physiology, biochemistry and scent identification.

Mortuary Beautician - Three days after Auntie Bernice leaves this earth, she'll be viewed by a thousand people she never met and every member of her extended family, so it's important that she look her best. The Mortuary Beautician is charged with instilling the healthy glow that the embalmer removed. Far more than the cosmetologists at Nora's Clip 'N Curl, the Mortuary Beautician is responsible for makeup (a LOT of makeup), hairstyling and wardrobe coordination. Most Mortuary Beauticians start out as beauty school dropouts or auto body repairmen.

Human Cannonball - For those interested in shooting for the stars, a career as a Human Cannonball is a bullet train to success. Employed at circuses, traveling carnivals and other havens for miscreants, Human Cannonballs enjoy a variety of working environments and are in great demand in the entertainment industry. Prerequisites include a slim physique, an appreciation of high power ordinance and a love of high places.

Ear Candler - Ear candling is the process of dripping molten wax down a patient's ear canal to facilitate the flow of smoke. It is thought that smoke draws out debris and cleanses the ear. Ear candling (or sometimes called ear coning after the device used) dates back to 2500 B.C. Egypt where it was used to rid the body of demons, irascible mothers in law and telemarketers. According to Sheppard's "Practical Guide to Ear Candling" the Candler should hear cracking and popping sounds as the candle burns and leaks wax into the ear canal. Candlers must enjoy working with people and not be intimidated by the sound of high pitched screaming.

Breast Measurer - One of the most popular new careers for men this year is the Breast Measurer. Since the seventh century BC, women have been plagued with poor fitting brassieres, often resulting in maceration, intertrigo and upper back pain. Up until recently women have depended on a system of trial and error to properly fit bras. Recent scientific measuring approaches have also proven to be futile. For the professional Breast Measurer however, measurement techniques depend on a key sense of touch using the palm of the hand to measure the weight, volume and circumference of the breast resulting in more accurate measurements. There is currently a five-year backlog of applications for schools offering this curriculum.

Automobile Repossessor - Ever dreamed of driving the finest luxury automobiles without being saddled by huge car payments? Then perhaps repossessing cars is for you! Automobile Repossessors assist banks, credit unions and car dealerships with reclaiming their assets from individuals unable to make their scheduled car payments. Automobile Repossessors enjoy an action packed lifestyle as deadbeat creditors assualt them with a variety of firearms, high speed projectiles and other sharp objects. Medical insurance is not included.

Ant Catcher - You'll never forget the look on your child's face the first time you see them studying an army of red ants burrowing a path to nowhere between two panes of glass in the comfort of your living room; ants that you've caught yourself! Ant Catchers enjoy a variety of work environments like crawl spaces under houses, parched desert landscapes and automobile junkyards. Catching ants requires a minimum amount of training and tools but does require an infinite amount of patience.

Egg Breaker - Have you ever ordered an "egg white only" omelet? Ever wondered just who removed the yolks? Egg Breakers separate the yolks and whites of eggs for use in food products by striking eggs against a bar, then pouring the contents of the broken eggs into an egg-separating device. Egg Breakers enjoy the fast paced life of the professional kitchen staff and are employed in fast food restaurants, bakeries and soup kitchens.

Ball Picker - If you enjoy wandering aimlessly around in circles looking at the ground, then you'll thrill at the excitement of spending your days picking up used golf balls from fairways, putting greens and from the bottom of slime-infested duck ponds. Ball Pickers enjoy a flexible work schedule and an independent lifestyle in a variety of locations from private golf courses to community driving ranges. Ball Pickers should be comfortable with constant bending at the waist, handling filthy objects and wading into shallow, murky bodies of water.

Chicken Sexer - Chicken Sexers are highly trained individuals charged with the task of separating male chicks from female chicks. Male chickens are used primarily for their meat, while female chickens are used for their egg production. Chicken Sexers are trained in two techniques: Feather Sexing and Vent Sexing. Professional Feather Sexers can quickly determine the sex of a male chick by observing their long, wing pinfeathers. Vent Sexing involves literally squeezing the poop out of the chicks until their rectums dilate, allowing the Chicken Sexer to observe a small "bump" in the male chicks. Chicken Sexers must be ambidextrous and possess superior grip strength.

Wrinkle Chaser - Wrinkle Chasers iron wrinkles from leather shoes during their manufacture to ensure they are perfectly smooth before the customer purchases them. Wrinkle Chasers spend up to 15 hours a day on foot and their hands immersed in toxic chemicals used to treat leather. Some famous celebrities who once worked as Wrinkle Chasers include Tamar Olverson, Geraldo Tipold , Siobhan Fattore and Whitney Holtgrefe.

Rent boy - If you're an attractive, well-endowed man interested in working from your own home while making big money, then a career as a Rent Boy may be for you. Rent Boys serve the sexual needs of successful women between the ages of 30-65 by supplying massages, stripteases, sexual role playing and offering something that their clients' rich and successful husbands can't. Rent boys generally work from 1 - 3 hours per appointment, several times a week. Premium rates are charged for sexual proficiency, good looks and for servicing plumper clients. Rental rates strictly adhere to NFRB (National Federation of Rent Boys) guidelines.

Manure Inspector - One and a half billion tons of manure are produced annually by animals in this country - 90 percent of it from cattle. Animal manure is loaded with contaminants like campylobacter, salmonella and E.coli which can cause kidney failure in children and painful, bloody diarrhea in everybody else. Manure Inspectors are charged with extracting these bacteria from animals and inventing methods to eliminate them from poop and our food. Manure Inspectors enjoy the freedom of working alone, void of petty meddling by upper level management. A comprehensive background check is required.

Semen Washer - Thanks to semen washers (and in vitro fertilization), more than 250,000 babies have been delivered in the U.S. since 1995. Semen Washers analyze seminal goo, placing samples under a microscope to perform sperm counts. After washing, Semen Washers spin the samples to separate the plasma from the motile cells. After processing, the samples are carted off to freezers for as long as twenty years. Semen Washers typically work late night shifts in medical laboratories or black market sperm banks.

Orangutan Pee Collector - Orangutan Pee Collectors monitor the steroid, estrogen, progesterone, cortisol and ketone levels of primate urine through non-invasive measurements for a variety of scientific purposes. Information about an Orangutan's levels of stress and their reproductive cycle can be determined by carefully measuring and tasting their diddle. Orangutan Pee Collectors must possess a Ph.D. in molecular biology, superior eye sight and a diminished sense of smell.

Jelly Doughnut Filler - Many consumers are surprised to learn that jelly doughnuts do not come out of the oven filled with jelly. To the contrary, jelly doughnuts leave the oven as solid, doughy globs of baked flour. The jelly is introduced into the donut by a specially trained technician who jams a large hypodermic needle into the side of the donuts, then pumps the goo in by hand. Jelly Doughnut Fillers generally have superior upper body strength, must be able to tolerate hours of repetitious labor and be able to tolerate high fat diets and extra calories. A college education is not required.

Lifeguard at a Nude Beach - Looking for a way to put all of those wasted hours of lying around the house to good use? Then life guarding at a nude beach could be for you! Nude beach life guards enjoy the slow paced, yet highly charged lifestyle that is the envy of every young man and woman. Nude Beach Lifeguards generally possess low hormone levels and uncompromising self control. Applicants must have 20/20 vision, be certified in advanced lifesaving, cardiopulmonary resuscitation and basic anatomy. No uniform is required.

Stand-in Bridesmaid - Anyone who's ever been to a poorly attended wedding can attest to the embarrassment of the wedding party when a paltry showing occurs at the alter. Stand-in Bridesmaids satisfy the growing need for pseudo-friends after their social circles have been depleted by infidelity and divorce. Stand-in Bridesmaids may be rented individually, in pairs or by the six-pack. Special deals may also be arranged for stand-in grooms, mothers, fathers, best men and entire wedding parties.

Bingo Announcer - When's the last time that you experienced the thrill of being the first one in the room to fill up an empty Bingo card? If its been a while, then the exciting world of Bingo Announcing may be for you! Bingo Announcers enjoy working in a variety of interesting settings that include Veteran Administration Hospitals, managed care facilities, Elks Clubs, insane asylums and dialysis clinics. No college degree is required, but prospective announcers must be able to count from 1 to 10 without using their fingers and have familiarity with the American alphabet.

Piercing Technician - The first time that your teenage daughter came home with a metal stud jutting from the left side of her nostril, you probably thought to yourself, "Dang, I wish I could have done that to my little girl..." Well, now you can. Body Piercing is one of the fastest growing careers for displaced middle managers, aerospace engineers, computer programmers and other college-educated professionals. All you need to get started in this lucrative career is a reasonably good aim, poor taste and a familiarity with hardware.

So, don't let that college education come between you and your perfect job. Start thinking outside of the box and join the millions of Americans who enjoy the fast paced lifestyle of today's alternative careers!