Hot Salty Fish

The minute I got the school year-end memo that mentioned the possibility of school cutbacks; I took a paid summer internship with Matt's company. I guess I needed to forget those memories with quickness. Soft, warm yet invasive and mysterious - all at once. Sometimes I feel bad because it's not like I was a closeted homophobe but I just don't have the kind of feelings needed to sustain that kind of relationship.

I miss her conversation and the fact that she was so much different than the crew I hung out with. Is that taking those insatiable urges too far? Sometimes, I felt like I was on a date with a guy I never met before - meaning no mutual connections or even places I could associate him with. I mean, Miss Tijero is from Miami and I'm just a chick from a small time town. I go to bed some nights thinking what if, then why and other times I just pray for her.

My new job is Media Librarian for the corporation where Matt's been since college graduation and though I'm not likely to run across a dried up booger inside random pages of their periodicals, I feel like an overpaid file clerk. Between the constant meetings in and out of the office, I feel drained and really tired when I get home. So much so that I'm glad Matt and I aren't shacking up - I couldn't take his chatter 24/7. I don't even remember the last time I drafted an article or story but I do remember my last helping of warm toffee pudding. Are these the signs of depression or just some quiet rage that will result in me taking Xanax with a glass of wine until my senior years? Somehow the impoverished freedoms that the school allowed were starting to sound hella good in comparison to the Corporate Robot Ho I felt I was evolving into. Oh yeah, I'm getting chunky, too!

One Wednesday in November, I got an email from one of the teachers at my old school. If there was an opposite of me, Faith Endicott was it - inside and out. When I'm quiet, her booming Caribbean-tinged voice goes right through you. I'm average (5'5/120) and this lady will boast about being nearly six feet and one-hundred ninety pounds of pure 'red-bone' and anyone who does not like it can just go somewhere because she don't have the time for BS. Besides my grandma, Faith is my she-ro but we are not close for many reasons. She can be both chummy and distant, her teaching methods have not only raised my brow but also that of school administrators and sometimes her clothes embarrass the hell out of me! So loud and flowy, sometimes I wonder if she just cuts holes in a king-size comforter and goes from there. Well, she wanted for me to call her ASAP.

I might as well have been using a web messenger because right after I replied to her message, I got up to get some green tea and returned to a subject header from her that was in all caps and ended with about five exclamation points. I gave her my home number.

*********

"Oshton, excuse me, Ashton, Aaaaooshton. Okay, you not der now. Baby, please coll Faith when you can, it real 'portant. I need your help. God bless," my answering machine told me when I walked through the door. Today was hell and wanted to enjoy my Ben and Jerry's Peach Cobbler ice cream. Since it tastes best soft, I decided to give Faith a ring and hopefully by the time we wound up, I could get really comfortable. By killing two birds, I dialed her on speaker phone while changing into my big tee.

"Allo," I could hear Shaggy in the background.

"Hey, Faith. It's me Ashton."

"Beetch, get me off this speaker mess. I need to talk to you."

See why we're not close but I know her well enough to tell that she's pretty bummed.

"What's going on Faith?"

"You know Miss Tijero?"

I froze due to the possibility of some fatality or scandal related to public education; or just the fact that she and I had shared a kiss and in the strangest way possible, she tried to seduce me not just publicly but in front of Matt. My mind ran the gamut while 'Mm hmm' escaped lips that suddenly forgot about ice cream.

"She got me and Mr. Johnson fired."

"OK. Tell me everything and the truth because I've got ice cream waiting."

"I seent you a few days ago, you don' need any ice cream."

"What? Why didn't you say hi, trick?"

"Why I gotta be trick? Can't you see I'm in pain? Don't call me names just 'cause you need to go on a diet."

For once, I'm gonna play her little game.

"No, honey I can't see you because you're on the phone and look here..., "I snapped back.

"Gurl, shot up and listen to me". She then told me an account of one day last week when she, the health instructor, Mr. Johnson and Ms. Tijero were sitting in Faith's Ford Expedition smoking weed, drinking beer and wine coolers. It was after school at a park about 2 miles away from the school and teachers had just gotten official notice of cutbacks. Those spared would make up the loss at 2 hour Saturday morning reading clinic - without pay. It started with a consoling hug, wet kisses that seemed to never end and ...

"Does Mr. Johnson know that Ms.Tijero is married", I inquired.

"He does but he just watched; can't get in trouble jes'lookin,."

My mouth just hung open.

"Don't knock me, gurl. There nothing wrong with having fun with a pretty lady. From what she told me, you guys did a little something, too."

"Okay, okay so you like to swing. That's what got you fired?"

"No, Principal Lee must've recognized my car and we had some of the good stuff, you know-that homeland ganja. Anyhoo, she gets right up on my vehicle..."

"Then what..."

"You know what; you had more patience when you worked at the school. Like I was saying, this beetch starts screaming, and I don't mean de good kind, yelling for us to stop attacking her."

"I'm lost."

"'Cause you rushed the story, cunt but I will repeat myself. This female had her legs wrapped around my neck, her booty in the air, naked as Day 1, Mr. Johnson's off to side being a gentleman and she tells Principal Lee that we drugged and raped her!"

"What did Lee say?"

"Lose your jobs quietly or she'll file charges loudly."

"Did you go to the union?"

"Gurl, been on vacation. Mr. Johnson got that personal trainer thing going on. Don't know what to do. I'm burnt out..."

"You mean baked, "I giggled.

"Looky 'ere, little beyotch I'm getting going to come over there and spank you."

"What if I like it, you big sexy thang you," I could barely contain the laughs.

"Den I'm gonna just beat you 'til I get tired. Hell, I dunno. I got the next month's rent covered but looks like I'm going to catch Christmas amnesia if I wanna survive holidays."

By now, my ice cream was now liquid cream and I was ready to unwind but had to wind down this conversation first.

"Faith sweetie, you know I love you, right?"

"Yes, dear an' I love you too."

"Seriously, I was just talking..."

"I know you talk crazy like me and you like to smoke though you can't smoke like me - and don't start! And stay wit'chur man, you can choke munching on that carpet, even if it is pretty."

"Faith, let me make some phone calls in the A.M. and meet me here at about 6 p.m. ,okay."

"Ok, 'night sweetie."

********

Out of the 10 people I knew in law, mostly students or paralegals as recent as two years ago, only 3 that replied to my email, gave me the same advice - this chick needs to talk to a union rep about getting her job back or being placed elsewhere. Either way, it's better than losing money in legal expenses because getting money from the public school system is like getting blood from a penny. It was 5:55p and I walked through my courtyard to see Faith jumping double-dutch rope with some kids in my building.

"JOMP!" she shouted.

"Hell no, I gotta live with these people."

"You big party poop. Look kids, I got Ashton on my cell phone playing patty-cake wit' little babies."

"Get in this house so we can find you some money", I winked at her knowing that she once put me in check about wording. Didn't want to tell the world she was unemployed. As she walked to my open door, we both gave each other a once over. Yeah, I gained a few pounds but whatever she was doing on her vacation made her belly rub against her pink, yellow and green dashiki. This would have been the time to wear one of those psychedelic comforters but then again, I'm no fashion expert. Maybe before she leaves, I'll ask if she wants to be my workout buddy. Looks like we'll be having white wine instead of ice cream.

We sat in the back patio and talked mostly about her. Seems Miss Tijero was on a mission from go but why? There's a gay bar downtown and I'm sure a swingers club not too far away. Faith contemplated leaving the teaching profession altogether and I can't say I fully blame her. For now though, she needed to talk to her rep and plead her case. For all Ms. Lee knew, Ms. Endicott could have glaucoma or back problems. As she headed out, I just came right out with it.

"Hey, you got a weed card?"

"A what card, chile?"

"Medicinal marijuana, they have a card in California and I think Oregon where you can buy it legally.

"Oh, no."

"Hey, Faith."

"Got any good stuff?"

"Bye, fatty."

I closed the door wondering what it was like to be intimate with a large woman. When someone is so loud all the time, do you kiss them on the lips just to keep them from talking so much?

*********

I went to bed like any other night watching 'The Simpsons' wondering when the hell were they going to age. Matt had been keeping late hours and right now was probably with his geek crew throwing jingly change at some poor, sloppy stripper over 35. When I thought about how somebody's daughter had to endure that on random night, I cracked up loud enough to be heard outside.

"Seempsons hasn't been that funny since 1995." I knew that voice. Who gave her my address?

Running to open the door, I whispered out of the crack, "Hey, Miss Tijero. What's going on?"

"Opeen this door and I will tell you."

Wearing just a low cut sweater and jeans, I noticed how tiny she was. Looking down, she wore sneaks that made her about 5'1. She also wore no makeup which somehow, made her prettier than I remember. When she plopped down on my couch, her breasts bounced and I had to go the bathroom.

"What are you doing in there?" There was that purring voice that got me six months ago.

"Had a big lunch today."

"Yayz, I can see you like big lunches now. Can't I get a hug anyway?"

Reluctantly, I leaned forward and barely grabbed her shoulders. She pulled me closer to her and whispered in my ear.

"Ashton, I need you. I really, really need you."

In one swift movement, I stepped back and put my hands on my hips," So what's up?"

"Mmmm. We are so direct now and not shy."

Cocking my head to the side, I didn't know what to think but was going act like I did.

"Honey, could you get me something to drink? I'm so tired from running."

"Who were you running from?"

"The world. Can I have a shot with that too please?"

I have a makeshift bar with a bottle each of rum and vodka, about a half dozen shot bottles of the premium stuff and Coppola white wine. She inspected it like she had serious plans to empty it, tonight. I kept it simple with a Bacardi shot bottle, a can of Coke and made some tea since I need to get to bed soon.

"So... what brings you by?"

"I have problem." This woman was now stretched out on my couch with her shoes off. It also looks like she decided to sneak an overnight bag inside while I was in the kitchen. Okay.

"And what would that be? Stalker luggage?," there was a sarcasm in my voice that was no longer impressed by dimples when her smile was her response or the fact that she clearly was not wearing a bra when she leaned forward to take a long swallow of rum.

"You know my husband?"

"Mmm."

"Well, he beat me, held me hostage in the house and told me to never go to work again."

Her pattern of speaking was like that of a child who liked to tell stories that were really lies to get attention. Her Howdy Doody looking man probably was an a-hole but not an abuser, at least not physically; he seemed more like the mind game type.

"Tell you what, you can stay here tonight. By the way, thanks for asking. File charges in the morning and personally I would recommend a restraining order against him. Good night."

"Thank you, sweetie."

"Mmm hmm." I pivoted on my heels without looking back.

If this had been a year ago, I swear she would have taken over the bedroom, my best lingerie and would have used my best glasses to serve her with. It seemed as if though I was in a dream from the time she walked through the door but I just stayed in neutral while trying to keep an observant distance. There was definitely a connection.

**********

The tea did what it was supposed to which was put me in a deep sleep. Not alcohol deep but peaceful until I felt something on my mouth. It was hair first then pressure that came from a human. Matt has keys but no facial hair. The rhythmic movements were different from a kiss but the warmth was scary. Eyes still closed, I moved quickly to hear a soft voice with every twist of my body. And something was weighing me down. When I felt my hair being pulled, that's when I jumped up because Matt knows I don't do kinky. My hands pushed a nude Ms. Tijero off my face and tumbling to the floor.

"I knew you liked it rough," she purred.

"You bitch! You tried to rape me."

"Honey, did you forget we got unfinished business?"

"Uh chick, we do not date. Hell, I don't even know your first name."

She laughed while going into fake convulsions like she knew she had me.

"Faith is on her way over. You know Ms. Endicott, don't you?" I lied.

"At 6:00 a.m.? You stop Ashton, she's not coming over and don't deny what's between us."

"Why did you tell Ms. Lee that you were attacked?"

"I've got to go to de bathroom. Be right back."

While she ran out of the room, I left a message at work that I wouldn't be in today. Then I called Faith.

"It's 6:15, what?"

"Is that how you greet people that call you? Get over here now!"

"You got job over there? "

"Come over and find out, now" I quietly hung up so as to not let my houseguest know she was being set up.

Guess the joke was on me because she never came back in my room, Faith was banging on my door and it was now 9:00 a.m.

"Who you think you are calling people when chickens not even up?" She stomped through my living room with coffee in hand and not looking like a psychedelic parade float.

"Never mind that, what happened to you?"

"Had meeting with union and I can go back to work as sub next week."

"Huh?'

"Dun sweat chile, you tried and a little something is better than minus nothing."

I was going to tell her to not stop there but the doorbell rang. It was Ms.Tijero's hubby.

"Ok, toots. Where is she?" Never before had I taken a good look at this guy but there is nothing more gross than thick, bright red eyebrows frowning at you - especially if you didn't do anything.

"My name is Ashton and your wife is not here."

"Who dat giving you hard time? " Faith yelled from the kitchen.

"Look, she said that you and that island nut were in cahoots to kidnap her and take her away. Now let me in so I can take my wife home. If you don't let me in, I'm calling the police."

"Your wife cost this woman and someone else their job with her lies. So if you call the law make sure its New York or L.A.P.D., I heard they treat people of color real nice."

He sneered at me while standing in front of my door reporting every little detail to the cops on his cell phone. Since this is a two-bit town, she wouldn't be hard to find and my uncle works the desk so I knew I wouldn't arrested.

In the meantime, Faith made the rounds on her cell by calling Mr. Johnson, who somehow got Principal Lee on my speakerphone and any other school staff that had an encounter. She said it was a free day at the school and got the others to come by saying it was a party - at my place.

*********

It was now 11:30 a.m. and chaotic with this muppet calling around town to find his wife and people I used to work with gathering in my courtyard. At first, I didn't understand why. When I saw my uncle get out of a black and white, I thought he was coming over for food.

Not aware that I was related to police, Ms.Tijero's husband pushed me to the side and demanded answers. I wasn't hurt but just stood to the side and watched this fool ramble on and on.

With arms folded and a stern expression my uncle had only one question, "Why did you assault that lady there?"

"What"

"I saw you push that lady there and she didn't lay a hand on you. That's an assault charge"

"But that's the one that took my wife away, her and that big bear over there." Faith just waved to the three of us.

"Are you alright, young lady?"

"Yes, unc.., I mean officer." I ran to get Faith and the others.

"Now, as far as your missus is concerned we did get a report of a lady who fit your wife's description at Slappy's last night."

Now this guy was so mad, his face was the shade of a lobster and interrupted," Not my wife!"

"If you would let me finish sir, you can see your wife. Anyway the Gus, who runs the joint, said a Spanish woman jumped on stage and got to removing her clothes. Since she was pretty and the crowd liked her, he thought just once won't hurt. But then, this lady got into her birthday suit and sat on some guy's face. Gus went in the back to get his gun, you know just in case, this lady had done a number one on him and that fellow was mighty upset. I would be as well. See, 'round here we just like simple things that jiggle in your face and anything else is some Hollywood or other big city mess. She was charged with public urination and by the time the good ole' boys came around, she was screaming and carrying on about men were good for nothing but giving away money. Sounds like she was having a breakdown of sorts but in response to your cutting me off, we did find identification at Slappy's that does match that of the person you reported missing. Anyway, she's at the county hospital, I'll give you a lift if you need."

He walked quickly to the car without a word to any of us. We stood around for about 30 minutes discussing what we couldn't believe we just heard.

About an hour after they left, Faith was leading a limbo contest when she got a text message from Principal Lee about being reinstated full time. She said she'd think about it after she got home and hit her bong.