House-isms: The Best House One-liners from Season One

"House-ism" is the term used to describe some the hysterical dialogue spoken by Dr. Gregory House on House M.D. Here are some of the best from season one.

Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think?
"Pilot"

If we don't talk to them, they can't lie to us, and we can't lie to them. Humanity is overrated.
"Pilot"

Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable.
"Pilot"

Patients always want proof. We're not making cars here; we don't give guarantees.
"Pilot"

Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.
"Paternity"

There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate.
"Occam's Razor"

Reality is almost always wrong.
"Occam's Razor"

Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again.
"Maternity"

All of those clever reasons were wrong.
"Maternity"

I've been a doctor for years--why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I'm doing?
"Damned If You Do"

Pretty much all the drugs I prescribe are addictive and dangerous.
"Damned If You Do"

I am both amused and annoyed that you think I should be less stubborn than you are.
"Damned If You Do"

You know how it is with nuns - take out their IUDs and they bounce right back.
"Damned If You Do"

Normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the sun one more time. I really didn't think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn't the little planet that could all over again.
"The Socratic Method"

It turns out your best judgment is not good enough. Here's an idea: next time, use mine.
"The Socratic Method"

I don't ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.
"Fidelity"

What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
"Poison"

I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce.
"Poison"

I'm too handsome to do paperwork.
"Poison"

I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way.
"Poison"

You could think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking?
"DNR"

Next time you want to make me feel all warm and fuzzy, leave me a message.
"DNR"

Can we get the lecture over with, because ... well, I guess I don't have anything to do. Take your time.
"DNR"

And humility is an important quality. Especially if you're wrong a lot. ... Of course, when you're right, self-doubt doesn't help anybody, does it?
"DNR"

Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team. There is a "me" though, if you jumble it up.
"DNR"

Life sucks. Your life sucks more than most. It's not as bad as some, which is depressing all by itself.
"DNR"

Patients sometimes get better. You have no idea why, but unless you give a reason they won't pay you. Anybody notice if there's a full moon? Let's rule out the lunar god and go from there.
"DNR"

Okay, you two--grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.
"Histories"

Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is almost always somebody screwed up.
"Histories"

I've been alienating people since I was three.
"Detox"

Very noble gesture. My favorite kind: dramatic, yet completely empty.
"Detox"

Never met a diagnostic study I couldn't refute.
"Detox"

I take risks, sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die, so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.
"Detox"

Never trust doctors.
"Sports Medicine"

All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese.
"Sports Medicine"

These tickets are so good, we have to sign a release. I mean it. We do this, we could die!
"Sports Medicine"

People like talking about people. Makes us feel superior. Makes us feel in control. And sometimes, for some people, knowing some things makes them care.
"Cursed"

Read less, more TV.
"Control"

She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.
"Control"

Physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.
"Heavy"

You know, they're gangsters, sure, but they're thoughtful too.
"Mob Rules"

But unless I've been named as the fourth part of the axis of evil, invaded, and occupied, this is still not a democracy. He's staying.
"Mob Rules"

We're a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with patients when they're actually sick.
"Mob Rules"

Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots cause we can't figure out what's causing it.
"Role Model"

If he gets better, I'm right, if he dies, you're right.
"Role Model"

Men are pigs--you have nothing to worry about. They will pretty much have sex with anyone: young, old, heavy, thin, complete strangers, relatives.
"Heavy"

Even if I was Dr. House, physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.
"Heavy"

Ideopathic--from the Latin meaning "we're idiots because we can't figure out what's causing it."
"Role Model"

(To black patient) You're not going to be President either way. They don't call it the White House because of the paint job.
"Role Model"

Tragedies happen.
"Babies & Bathwater"

If it turns out she has Meningitis, you're right, you win. But if we go back downstairs and she dies, pfft ... Your face will be so red!
"Kids"

Weird works for me.
"Kids"

In case I'm wrong. It has happened.
"Kids"

Hang up a shingle and condemn the narrowness and greed of Western medicine, you'd make a damn fine living.
"Love Hurts"

I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see... they're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down. ... There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting. ... I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.
"Three Stories"

It's been established that time is not a rigid construct.
"Three Stories"

The truth of the human condition is that everyone lies. The only variable is about what.
"Three Stories"

Right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is--maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is--doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.
"Three Stories"

It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for.
"Three Stories"

It is in the nature of medicine that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can't handle that reality, pick another profession. Or finish medical school and teach.
"Three Stories"

If it works, we're right. If he dies, it was something else.
"Honeymoon"

If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything.
"Honeymoon"

It's one of the great tragedies of life: something always changes.
"Honeymoon"

House M.D. is from Heel and Toe Films, Shore Z Productions and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. The show airs on FOX.