House-isms: The Best House One-liners from Season Two

House-ism is the term used to describe some the hysterical dialogue spoken by Dr. Gregory House, played by Hugh Laurie, on House M.D. Here are some of the best from season two.

Everything we do is dictated by motive.
"Acceptance"

Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it.
"Acceptance"

I have to make him all better for the state to kill him. Is it me or does that seem ironic?
"Acceptance"

If her DNA was off by one percentage point she'd be a dolphin.
"Autopsy"

Welcome to the end of the thought process.
"Autopsy"

Sometimes we can't see why normal isn't normal.
"Autopsy"

You want to make things right? Too bad. Nothing's ever right.
"Humpty Dumpty"

You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you're a good boss and you'll never be happy.
"Humpty Dumpty"

I'm happy to report we're so in sync we're wearing each others underwear.
"Humpty Dumpty"

This isn't about race. Unless "annoying" is a race.
"Humpty Dumpty"

In this universe, effect follows cause. I've complained about it but ...
"Humpty Dumpty"

There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
"TB or Not TB"

Welcome to the world. Everyone's different. Everyone gets treated different. You try fighting that, you end up dying of TB.
"TB or Not TB"

What usually happens when you poke something with a stick? It pokes back.
"TB or Not TB"

The nameless poor have a face, and it's a pompous white man.
"TB or Not TB"

The only problem with that theory is it's based on the assumption that the universe is a just place. "Spin"

The air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony.
"Spin"

You know me, hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
"Spin"

What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?
"Spin"

Mistakes are as serious as the results they cause!
"The Mistake"

Anomalies bug me.
"Failure to Communicate"

Ultrasound her uterus this time. See if there's something growing in there that doesn't look adorable in a onesie.
"Need to Know"

I didn't know people actually read emails--the delete button is so conveniently located.
"Distractions"

A disease that attacks his brain, heart, and testicles. I think Byron wrote about that.
"Sex Kills"

When guys have brain-crotch problems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.
"Sex Kills"

Cheese is the devil's plaything.
"Sex Kills"

Key to a long life; exotic women, boring cheese.
"Sex Kills"

Lying to your parents is usually the right thing to do, but there is the impending death exception.
"Safe"

Get an L.P. And do PCRs for the viruses. And get an E.M.G. to check for Guillain-Barré. If Foreman's right we gotta find out why she's paralyzed. (After the team doesn't move) But not before staring at me dumbly for a few seconds...
"Safe"

What do you mean we? I did! At least I thought I did. Maybe I didn't. Still it was all me!
"Safe"

Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.
"Safe"

These procedures would be so much easier if you could do them on healthy people.
"All In"

I'm saying, "I don't care what they do as long as my life isn't interrupted by pointless conversations like this one."
"Sleeping Dogs Lie"

If it has anything to do with who made the mistake, I don't care. If it has to with with me making a mistake, I really don't care.
"Sleeping Dogs Lie"

You know, I get it that people are just looking for a way to fill the holes; that they want the holes; they want to live in the holes; and they go nuts when someone else pours dirt in their holes. Climb out of your holes, people!
"House vs. God"

You're a functional vampire. Sure, you're heroic and useful to society but only because it feeds you.
"House vs. God"

Isn't it interesting that religious behavior is so close to being crazy we can't tell it apart.
"House vs. God"

There's nothing in this universe that can't be explained. Eventually.
"House vs. God"

If you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic.
"House vs. God"

Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far.
"Euphoria, Part 1"

I was never that great a math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?
"Euphoria, Part 1"

Pain makes us make bad decisions, fear of pain is almost as big a motivator.
"Euphoria, Part 2"

She's my boss. If she gets sick the hospital might want to replace her. Especially if she dies. I'll have to learn how to manipulate someone new.
"Forever"

What's that saying? When you assume you become an ass to me.
"Forever"

I ask you, is almost dying any excuse for not being fun?
"Forever"

Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.
"Forever"

The thing about being a good loser, it means you're still a loser.
"Forever"

Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks. Give me something new and shiny.
"Forever"

Here is how to become a great artist: First, get miserable. Misery drives you to become a great artist, but the art does nothing for your misery, which drives you to drugs, which makes you a lousy artist.
"Who's Your Daddy?"

I care because I live. I can't care if I'm dead.
"No Reason"

I always say if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital.
"No Reason"

Here's how life works: you either get to ask for an apology or you get to shoot people. Not both.
"No Reason"

House M.D. is from Heel and Toe Films, Shore Z Productions and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. The show airs on FOX.