How to Accept Life's Endings - with New Beginnings

When one life ends, another new life springs up to take it's place. That is an often used phrase in today's society to explain away hurt, pain, and loss and to try to make sense of something we simply can't comprehend. It is also woefully lacking in it's attempt to do so. That being said, would it not be better to say that millions of lives spring up to take it's place? When someone you love passes, does not every person who came in contact with them change and therefore spring forth anew? This is the essence of this article. Could it be that new beginning that is the key to moving forward and growing closer to those you love?

My Mother passed suddenly three years ago, and it hit me like a ton of rocks. I often wondered growing up what would happen and what I might do. I did nothing I thought I might, except mourn of course. All of the thoughts that I might freak out, and lose my mind and so forth never happened. I also thought that maybe I would be ready by the time that happened. I wasn't. My kids still woke up every day and looked to me for the same things they always did. A dry diaper, some food , and a great bedtime story with a happy ending was still on the menu for each day. Life went on, even though it was harder. I say this in no way to short change my relationship with my Mother or her memory. She was my world and I will forever look to the day that I see her again. It is just that it was not what I expected.

The hardest thing about losing my Mother outside of the loss itself, was the realities that came with it. My relationships with my family would forever be changed, and there was nothing any of us could do about it. My Mother remarried when I was eleven years old and I was officially a step son. She married a wonderful man that treated me as his own, when I really didn't have a Father figure in my life. Through the years, this man has become my Father in every sense of the word. I don't mean just a token title either. He has been my support in every way, through some very lean years. I spent many years with a sickness that many lesser men would have walked out the door. He has supported me in my dreams and ambitions, and loved me in spite of my baggage that we all carry. I could not begin to list all of the ways that he has been my Dad. But what would happen when a man in his fifties, loses his wife suddenly? What of the step child? Me?

As a step child I always wondered about the stability of having a step dad. I was a pretty smart kid, and I knew the dangers and perils of the whole phenomenon that was step relationships. That was the magic of my step dad Poppie. Poppie had a calm, reassuring way of making it very easy to believe in him. He was steady, firm, harsh, fair, and nurturing in a way that I cannot seem to duplicate with my own kids. He took me and my Mom into his life as though it was the easiest thing in the world, and it was entirely natural in an unnatural setting. We were and are one hell of a family. I was a normal child however, and I wondered if Mom wasn't around would things change? I didn't realize that those thoughts would play a part later in life when my Mother died.

Poppie was devastated when Mom died, and like the strong man he has always been, he played the part of support for all when it happened. I saw emotions from him on lots of levels, but I knew that like always, he was thinking only of his family and all of us. We made it through the mourning period, and had a hell of a time doing so. The first Christmas without her, and every passing birthday throughout the year was like a marathon of emotions. Poppie moved to the home he and my Mother were going to retire to, which was an adjustment for me and my family. We would visit on the weekends here and there, and it always felt a little strange, due to the fact that Mom wasn't there. Poppie was himself as always, and I was so touched to see all the pictures, and memories he had spread throughout the house of all of us and Mom. I have never doubted Poppie's love, but I always wondered if he really considered me his son. That is the little boy or girl that lives inside us all. I think it is natural to feel those doubts from time to time when you are a step child. It certainly wasn't because of a lack of anything from Poppie.

Being so young, I knew that Poppie would eventually want some companionship and that time came. He was really something to see coming to tell me he was dating someone. I don't know really to this day what he might have thought I would think. Being the strong man that he is, he would do what he wished regardless, but I know he still cared about my feelings and wanted to know I was okay with it. Needless to say I was fine with it because I couldn't bear the thought of him being alone at all. I know he is a strong man, but I also know that lonely can chop any man down to size. Him being alone was far worse of a thought to me than any petty thoughts of jealousy I might have pertaining to my Mom's memory. My Mother would not wish for him to be alone though Poppie might disagree with that. She was a spit fire after all. The woman he met seemed very understanding of the situation and is a blessing to him now. She has helped him through some tough times and has been respectful of my Mother's memory from what I have seen. I thank her for that.

Throughout all of the time since Mom died, I have worried that Poppie might somehow let go of me. Not on purpose, mind you. But maybe the addition of another relationship might turn into a new family, which would somehow distance him from me. I know his dedication, and I know that when he gives that dedication to a new family as he did with me and my Mother so long ago, that it is fierce. I think that brought me to this new conclusion. I believe that when someone passes as my Mother did, that it starts a system of change within the world. It takes a family to a new place, and allows them to learn about one another on a deeper level if they pay attention.

I have learned that Poppie will be my Poppie regardless of new relationships, or lost relationships. I have learned that being a Dad means a whole lot more than calling myself one. I have learned that when some people say forever they sometimes really mean it. I have learned most of all, that Poppie will be my Dad in spite of myself, the same as he always has been. I look forward to the new beginnings, and I hope they are as sweet as the one that brought him to my life in the first place.