I have been slightly obsessed with death for as long as I can remember. There are many factors that have contributed to my obsession. Up until very recently I have been afraid of death. I have also been afraid of dying. As a young woman I never thought that I would live past the age of thirty. For many years this allowed me to not think or have to worry about my future. What was the point of saving money or making healthy choices if I was going to be dead. My attitude was one of go out there and seize the day. Do what you want, when you want. There are times when this can be a very healthy attitude and a positive way to live if what you are doing is claiming your life and not being self destructive. I was self destructive.
Thanks to some therapy and very good friends around the age of twenty-five the majority of my self-destructive behavior stopped. I still eat more then I should and I do not exercise as much as I should but I am no longer courting or testing death. Additionally I believe that I have come to terms with death not just my own but those that I love and by coming to terms with death I have freed myself from my obsession with death.
It is only through accepting death that we can really live. In our modern society we fight death. When we talk about someone dying we tend to frame it as if dying was failure. Dying is not failure nor is it success it is just death. Something that will happen to every single one of us currently alive. I knew that I had accepted death as an inevitable when I was flying home from a trip someplace wonderful. The plane hit a terrible patch of turbulence. The overhead compartments flew open, people were screaming and saying a few prayer and I just sat there. I did not panic, I did not bargain all I said was "thank you", thank you to whatever is out there for my life it has truly been an extraordinary life.
I am loved and have loved. I was blessed to have been born in a time and a country that values the lives of females. I have accomplished many of my goals, earning a graduate degree, trying to positively impact others, I have had the time, energy, opportunity and skills to really learn who I was - what I wanted - what I believed. Not what I was taught to believe but what I really believed. I have traveled and read amazing books. I have witnessed birth and death. Triumph and despair. I have really lived so in those few seconds when I thought I might die I was Ok.
I have no idea what is going to happen to my soul/spirit when I die. I like to think that my consciousness will go on that I will get to "see" and "be" with those that I have loved while I have been alive but I do not know. But what I do know is that without death we would never really live
Namaste
Published by Kate OLeary
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