How to Get Along with Your Family for a Meaningful & Peaceful Thanksgiving

Family therapists and those wanting to be an amateur family therapist should never gloat about their own stable family life. But for all intents and purposes of this Thanksgiving family relations tutorial, I have to reveal that most of my life has been as close as one can get to a Norman Rockwell style gathering on Thanksgiving. While no family is going to be a spitting image of that famous Rockwell painting called "Thanksgiving Dinner" with familial perfection personified at the dinner table, believe me that something close can be achieved. As with any relationship with a fellow human being, it's going to take work on your part and an ability to use psychology in a way that isn't obvious to quell the flame of acrimony.

I base this on my own Thanksgiving gatherings that were and are based squarely on engrossing conversation as just a start. This included an occasion when a few family members who didn't always see eye to eye with one another wound up having a peaceful evening being in the same room together.

And it's there where we start to rid the compulsion of a family member locking his or herself in another room to watch football on TV. Or, to degenerate into a depressing bickering match that means imminent door repair in various rooms of the house as everybody departs.

The art of conversation before the Thanksgiving dinner...

Arriving to a family member's house or greeting same guests at your door may be the most awkward moment in forming the foundation of a peaceful Thanksgiving gathering. It's here where animosity between certain family members might come to the fore, especially after having not seeing one another since the previous year or longer.

The way to handle this situation is to already be aware of the thickness between two relatives and bring up something about the impending dinner the minute they come within close proximity of one another. Preferably, it's best to get that conversation started outside your front door if the two relatives who don't get along arrive at the same time. Many of my Thanksgiving gatherings meant greeting everybody outside before coming in the door--and that meant talking about what's being prepared for dinner or a problem you're having with same dinner.

Bringing up food will always create cheerful conversation and stave off any issues that might instigate an argument. Try making some good-tasting but creative dishes to create more interest in the food conversation.

If perhaps bending the truth, fake a problem with a particular dish you're making, because there's a chance one of those relatives will offer to help you in the kitchen. Make an attempt to get both or a group of those quarrelsome relatives helping in the kitchen. There, food fights or wrong use of the rolling pin won't exist as all minds fixate on creating food.

Conversation during the Thanksgiving dinner...

Depending on how spiritual your family is, one of the best paths to keeping things under control is in saying Grace at the table right before dinner. If you have confidence that each and every member feels comfortable with this, suggest everybody say their own prayer out loud while going around the table. Be careful with this and not force it because some family members don't want to recite a prayer out loud or may not be religious. I know I preferred reciting one in my head rather than air my deep thoughts & feelings to everybody at the table.

This in mind, the host saying one out loud at the head of the table never fails to lead to serenity for the first quarter of the dinner.

Should your family not be into saying Grace, the first pass around the table of the turkey should garner some positive stories about the feuding relatives. Prior to inviting them, do your homework and think back to stories about those relatives during times when they were in accord. Most likely, those stories were from childhood before the petty issues of adulthood clouded the rational thoughts of each relative.

Find a hilarious and protracted story if possible to allow time for it to be told and the two warring relatives to hook onto the story. Nothing breaks ice more than an uproarious story from childhood that creates guffawing all around the table--presumably before consuming the turkey. This isn't to say that if perhaps the relatives didn't know one another until adulthood, a comedic story from that period can't be remembered. Chances are that if the feuding relatives are in the same room with one another, they had some meaningful moments together at one time in their pasts before other differences intervened.

As contrived as the above action might appear, the telling of entertaining stories around the dinner table is an extremely rich and enjoyable experience once you experience it firsthand. It also forms other interesting conversation that can lead to a continuous stream of stories. Almost every family you'll find makes this a natural part of discourse. However, if you sense someone is starting to veer into territory that could lead to the memories of why those feuding relatives began their beef, try to steer the conversation away. A logical move is bringing up dessert during one of these moments.

After-dinner conversation to sustain the evening...

This part of keeping family unity together may be the most challenging. For many families, watching football together on TV might be enough to keep any sensitive conversations from being conjured. Although consider this alternative: Having pumpkin pie or other dessert out in the living or guest room while continuing to bring up more conversation. Some family get-togethers I go to sometimes means eating a slice of pie or drinking schnapps while sitting and visiting in the family room rather than being restricted to the dining room table.

Be careful serving alcohol, though, for obvious reasons. Nothing is worse than alcohol manifesting brutal honesty out into the open.

Another effective method of after-dinner unity is entertaining by you, the host, performing on the piano, guitar or perhaps creating a group sing-along. I know not every family will be musically inclined. Possessing any music talent, however, should be utilized at all family get-togethers--albeit in a way that creates symbiotic fun rather than forcing relatives to listen to you playing an instrument or sing. Gauge what kind of music each relative likes and try to adapt that into the music side of entertaining. Do this even if the genres are a bit of a challenge to interpret on your instrument, namely Rap.
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Yes, I know many of you have probably flinched at the sound of a door slam when relatives don't get along. Give the tips above a try and your chances of a stable Thanksgiving are greater without inviting a family therapist to dinner.

Nevertheless, never paint yourself a failure if these techniques don't necessarily bring the ultimate Norman Rockwell atmosphere. Even Rockwell's famous painting must have held painful truths behind its meaning and exterior. Ultimately, though, the art of conversation and careful planning keeps the feelings of thankfulness to the forefront of minds that sometimes get easily consumed with trivial sibling or personal matters.