How to Get Along with Your In-laws

The first time I met my husband's family was two years before we were married. I met some of his siblings, his mother and some nieces and nephews. It was nice to finally place a face to the names and to meet his mother. It was something I was really looking forward to because I had heard so many good things about her. The prospect of meeting my future in-laws was daunting, as well as exciting. I was worried in case I did not meet their expectations. What would I do if they did not like me? It felt like getting ready for my first day of school and wondering what the other children and teacher would be like. In next to no time, you can go from being a confident, self-composed adult to a nervous wreak! How can you overcome these feelings?

Be yourself

The most important thing to remember is to try and be yourself. Do not pretend to be someone else because they will be able to see right through your pretense. Besides, you are unlikely to be able to keep it up. It is natural to want to be liked and to want to create a positive first impression. But let's face it, not all of us are going to win over our prospective in-laws when we first meet them. They will not have much to go on, just what your partner has told them and what they can see before them. So try to relax and smile! Do not look miserable, as if you are going to the dentist to have teeth extracted. These people will be your relations one day, so be pleasant. A pleasant, friendly smile may help to win them over.

Do not lie!

As well as wanting to create a good impression, you may be tempted to tell a lie to make yourself seem better educated, employed and so on. Do not do this! If your partner's family ask you questions about your family, education or job do not lie to them. If you lie, you are bound to be found out later on and your future in-laws may not be able to trust you in future. So if you did not finish high school, do not pretend you did. Just tell them the truth. You will be surprised how much more they will respect you if you are honest with them.

Relationships change after marriage

Perhaps you had an opportunity to get to know your spouse's family very well prior to your wedding. If so, that will hopefully be a good foundation for the future. I had more of a passing acquaintance with my husband's family because we lived so far apart from any of them and we still do. Even if you felt snubbed before the wedding, you may find that marriage alters the way your in-laws look at you. Your mother-in-law will hopefully see you more as a permanent fixture in her son or daughter's life, rather than a boyfriend or girlfriend who may leave at any time. Your spouse's siblings may draw closer to you and become good friends. Your inherited nieces and nephews may instantly start calling you "auntie" or "uncle". Accept this as proof that you are now a member of a bigger family than just you and your spouse. Marriage involves the blending of two different families, rather than just two people.

Coping with jealousy

Jealousy can come from any direction. Perhaps you are jealous of the attachment your spouse continues to have with their parents and you wish that they did not have to spend so much time at their house or in their company. If your mother-in-law calls your spouse each day, this may cause feelings of jealousy to well up, especially if your relationship with your own parents is not as close. Then there is jealousy that can come from the mother and father-in-law, directed towards you. They may feel that you have taken their child away from them and harbour secret resentment towards you. Rather than being the threat they perceive you as, try to lighten the mood by encouraging your spouse to still see his parents and do things for them. Just because you are married, that does not mean they should sever all contact from their parents. Would you be willing to do the same if the situation were reversed? So if your spouse likes to phone his siblings or parents each week, step back and let them have that contact. Your spouse deserves to have the love of their family, as well as your love. Despite what you may think, love can be expansive, rather than contained.

Do not bad mouth your in-laws

Even if your in-laws are behaving in a bad way, try not to bad mouth them. This will not endear you to your spouse and it could easily backfire. If it is his mother you are talking about, he is bound to feel upset, especially if he is close to her. Even if you are being mistreated in any way, try to tell your spouse in a diplomatic manner. By all means voice your concerns, but be careful to do so respectfully.

Not everyone will like you

Even if you have tried everything you can to get along with your in-laws, such as taking an interest in their lives, but they still snub you, try not to dwell on it too much. Not every member of your spouse's family will like you. Sometimes it is simply a case of clashing personalities, rather than anything specific. Maybe over time, you will be able to get along better. Try to concentrate on being friendly whenever you meet for family gatherings. This will help keep the door open. Someday, they may relent and choose to come in. Build yout own relationship with your spouse's family, let your spouse have time with his family and learn to share your spouse with his family! That will definitely go a long way in endearing you to your in-laws. Learn to accept that blending into your spouse's family will not always be easy, but with lots of patience and the support of your spouse, you can create a lasting relationships with your in-laws.