How "American Idol" Destroys America

There's something about the show American Idol that disgusts me so thoroughly that I often feel physically sick watching a thirty-second preview.

"Maybe it's because I can't stand fast-food pop music." I thought. Although certainly a contributing factor, it couldn't be this simple.

No, it has to be something deeper than that, I decided.

Then one day I watched a preview, and it all clicked.

First, I watched a clip of some tender-hearted bozo singing off key and the three wise "judges" rolling their eyes, snickering, and covering their ears. Then, it cuts to a hot twenty-something babe with her boobs hanging out and singing like a nightingale, and then back to the wise judges as they smile with a Hollywood twinkle in their eyes.

"This looks familiar" I thought. I have seen this before, it was, it was. . .

Middle School! Yes, that's it.

Ah yes, distinctly I recall those three "cool" kids in the class and how desperately I spent each and every day trying to gain acceptance into the hottest clique in school. Nothing in life was nearly as important in those days as impressing the three wise judges.

As the cool kids teased me, I would turn around and tease the kids "below" me. "That's just how it works" I thought. Besides, humiliating the losers made me feel a lot better about myself.

Enter American Idol.

For a few years now, the reigning champion of the "Google's most-searched" has been Brittany Spears. Not George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Beethoven, or even Margaret Thatcher.

That's right. The hero of our day, what millions aspire to become, is a floozy, narcissistic, dim-witted, overpaid girl with the parenting skills of the common house plant and an intellect comparable to bacon grease.

No wonder we love American Idol. We are clueless as to what a "hero" and a role model should be, not to mention parading around our embarrassingly horrible taste.

But why?

As population grows and self-absorption becomes common practice, we all fear the inevitable slip into a quiet world of anonymity. With that comes a raging desire for what the "cool" kids have and the rest of us crave: attention.

There's celebrities, and then there's everyone else. With our obsession with ourselves, it's no wonder we all love a show that lets us vicariously rise to celebrity status. We relate to these unknown folks like us, who someday, might just give Brittany Spears a run for her money for the title of "most Googled" person, place, thing, or idea.

It is, after all, the pinnacle of human achievement.

That's all well and good, but how does that destroy America?

Now enter 14 year old girl, we'll call her "Bertha."

At 14, Bertha is very impressionable. 20-year old's are so big and mature and she can't wait to be 20. Anything that 20 year old's do that seems cool, Bertha will likely emulate.

Bertha really likes American Idol because it dramatically plays out, with real people, her own private and very personal ultimate dream of being a big star and loved by everyone. Her hopes of eventually emerging from the depressing pits of anonymity are mercilessly tickled and encouraged by some greedy producer that cares nothing for her future.

From watching American Idol, Bertha learns how those dreams are achieved.

First, Bertha learns that yes, her girlish dream of stardom is indeed the highest calling.

Second, it doesn't take hard work, it's just talent, charisma, and good looks.

Third, don't forget to humiliate as many people as possible on your way to the top. It's the only way to go and it feels great.

Fourth, if the "cool" kids don't approve of you, it means you're worthless. Most likely you'll never amount to anything productive in life.

Fifth, if you're lucky enough to realize you're only somewhat talented, don't ever apply yourself because you'll likely be humiliated, and nothing on earth is worse than that.

"Be like Brittney, Be like Brittney, Be like Brittney. . ." She reminds herself.

Bertha comes to the conclusion that the most important thing in life is being happy and popular and if she ever finds herself without these two things, she can always fall back on the time-tested and reliable method of humiliating society's undesirables in order to feel better about herself.

All of this put to music.

Music is powerful. Example: Let's say you like James Taylor, he's your favorite. Then I come to you and say: "James Taylor is a bald, no-talent, goober." You're offended. Why? Because music is something that describes us in a very personal way. You'd likely be similarly offended if I criticized the way you laugh, speak, or bite your fingernails. Words put to music take hold on your soul more than any other art form.

You sing in your car, right? But would you sing in front of me? Most likely not. Why? Because singing makes you vulnerable; it is personal.

American Idol doesn't just humiliate people for any old thing, it humiliates them by ridiculing them at their most vulnerable and personal level. They are humiliated for trying. These "losers" are humiliated in the most humiliating way, and we love it.

Personally, I'd rather watch a puppy get beaten senseless than see innocent people publicly and emotionally beaten and humiliated in front of 35 million people.

But nevermind that, look at the good it does!

Yes, American Idol has done it. American Idol allows millions of Americans to join the hottest clique in school. We never quite made the cut in middle school, or even high school, but now we are accepted with open arms to join the worlds largest and "coolest" clique. We even get to vote for the "winners" on our cell phones. So not only do we rise to the ranks of the "cool" judges, but we get to make important policy decisions.

No one humiliates us here, but we get to sit at home and ridicule the mega-losers along with three washed-up, all-knowing, and all-sophisticated 4^th-grade caliber bullies.

Indeed, American Idol is a big success.

It makes us feel good about ourselves, in the most sickening and despicable way.