How to Annoy Your College Professor

For the last six years, I have been teaching Freshman Composition at various community colleges. The work fulfills me intellectually, creatively, and to a lesser extent, financially Most of my students are bright and respectful. Some of my pupils, however, have not yet realized that they are attending college. Perhaps they believe they are still within the walls of high school, that they have merely entered the 13^th grade. Perhaps they don't yet understand that college is a choice; no one is forcing them to attend. Or perhaps, in truth, these naïve students just want to bother me.

Here are some of the more ingenious ways students can annoy their professor. Each method is guaranteed to irk, vex, and otherwise infuriate. Please use the following with caution:

Transcendentalism:

Many students would rather not be in my class. Some of them go as far as to tell me, "It's not you, it's just that I already know this stuff." But most suffer the class in quiet desperation. Instead of complaining, they remove themselves mentally from the class. Perhaps they are meditating. Maybe they are daydreaming. I like to imagine that they have a special switch inside their brain that shuts down the frontal lobe but still allows the student's head the capacity to nod, as if the student agrees with what the professor is saying.

To truly annoy your teacher, distance yourself mentally and spiritually from all things said in the classroom, but keep direct eye contact with the instructor, along with a look of reverent interest glued upon your face. When the teacher asks you, "What do you think?" Blink twice and respond, "Uh... what was the question?" Congratulations, you have successfully annoyed the instructor!

Tardy and Farty:

Be blatantly obnoxious. Arrive late to class, preferably with a Starbuck in hand and a gnarly skateboard under your arm. Say "What up, teach," and then spill your drink as you sit down.

In fact, take more than just a beverage to class; take food. The more pungent, the better! I recommend the Orange Chicken from Panda Express, or anything with Curry in it.

Extra points are awarded for poor hygiene and silent flatulence, especially if you can blame the odor of the professor.

Electronic Buggery:

Want to make your instructor's skin crawl? Then use as many electronic gadgets as you can!

Leave cell phones turned on. Set the device so that funky ring tones will play every time your friends call you. Oh, and make sure you answer during the instructor's lecture: "Hey, what's up? Oh, nothing much... Just hanging out in Anthropology..."

Text message as much as possible. And if you can, text another person within the same classroom, and together you can complain about the professor.

Sit in the back of the classroom with your laptop, pretending to take notes. Then, if the college campus offers wireless, spend the class time surfing the Net. Visit chatrooms, update your Myspace profile, or if you're feeling very cocky (literally) pay a visit to some adult websites. Nothing livens up a math class like pornography!

Finally, once you get the teacher outrageously angry, once she is fuming and throwing over chairs, make sure you use the camera on your cell phone to digitally record every moment. Then you can post the incident on youtube.com!All of these techniques have proven results. Enjoy! (But don't be surprised when you wind up with a D minus!)