How Can I Be Anorexic If I Have No Willpower?

Mediasaurus Rex (http://mediasaurs.com/) honored me enough to let me read his short story Monkeys Make Horrible Pets.

I knew I couldn't wait until I got home this afternoon to read Monkeys Make Horrible Pets. So I waited until the chief was necktie-deep in a meeting before quietly closing my office door with a sly wink at the tall, leggy receptionist, and sinking down behind the softly glowing Macbook screen to view the literary prize in the cracker jack blog.

What else but disgusting goodness could be in store for me when the page starts off with a quote by loving Hank Rollins-- the reason that an emaciated 13 year old blonde-n-green haired girl dared play bass and breathe out the better parts of "Slip It In" for a straight-edge punk band in Louisville, Kentucky.

So, I dove right in with reckless abandon.

The free-and-easy banter with Jeff gives way to the subtle anxiety of need in the quest for monkey. Next, enter the extremely evocative imagery of "molasses mixed with gasoline" sliding seamlessly into the depths of the OMGWTF monkey juice. Then: "EEEEEWWWWWW! He woke up in that mess?!"

It was at this point that I literally let slip a girly little giggle-and-groan and sunk closer to the desk, deeper behind the screen, as if I were still peering into the monkey world but now feared catching the attention of the sinister simian. Fork still in my hand, my breakfast lay half-eaten, forgotten on the edge of the marble-top minimalist desk that was my only refuge from the furry, tarry beastie story.

The nostril ripping was choice. But then came the jaw bone. And as I am getting over that hysterically funny nausea, we run headlong into the ingestion of the inky imp. DUDE! What the hell?

And at the end, feeling dirty and spent like a Sunset hooker at sunrise, the detective's admonition leaves me worried for poor Jeff, friend of fishes.

I've been at work for an hour and a half and, unlike any day I have ever had here at the firm, all I need right now is a shower, man.

That was BOSS.